Google Tourette’s Syndrome and Dog Beastiality: How I First Started Blogging, A True Story! *Safe for Work, I think!*

Remember how a while back, on my post The Naked Writer 101, I said if you want to know anything else just ask? Well, I got a few questions from REAL LIVE people this time, not just the voices in my head.

This is what the voices in my head look like, pretty hot huh?

Thanks for the sexy monkey pic

Now, because I am so frigging long winded and cannot edit myself in any way (because of my own self importance), I can only answer one question at a time!

While I gather my thoughts, look at this dog with an Afro!  

Thanks for the dog with the wig pic

So, without further ado, I now pronounce me Husband and Wife…what? Where the hell did that come from? I better consummate this quick before I change my mind!!

Ok, I am back…whew,  that was close!  I almost got away from me there!  But now I done and got me pregnant and am stuck with me for life…ha ha, I win…what a tricky little bitch I am!

Shit, I keep getting off track…ok, So,  here is one answer to one question from an individual who needed to know more about who they are stalking…

Question;  “How did you get into blogging?” 

(you guys might think this would be a simple answer done in a paragraph or less...I am sorry to say,  Arrrrrr wrong answer! Buckle up and put on some diapers, this is gonna be a long one (that’s what she said…ha ha)
My Answer to you dear stalker friend;

I got into blogging because I really was procrastinating writing my novel but I used to procrastinate it with an affliction I have lovingly coined as Google Tourette’s Syndrome or GTS.

You see, when I get really bored or really need to procrastinate and feel like I am doing something important, I type in dirty words or phrases or what I am feeling into the Google Tool Bar (and always in capital letters). I used to do this at least once a day but lately, I have slowed down to a few times a week. See, blogging does help some  Compulsive Disorders! 

I would type random things like "ASS COCK HOLE” “DIRTY DONKEY NUT EATER” “SILLY STRING MONKEY SPUNK'” “GO FUCK YOURSELF INTERNET'” “GOOGLE’S MOTHER IS A WHORE” “YOU GET HORNY FOR LIMA BEANS” and so on…you get the picture right?

 

I have really looked up all of those things and then some. I guess I don’t need to tell you that I have seen some really fucked up things on the Internet because of my  GTS!  Try it, you might like it, I warn you though, it can be highly addictive and if you are really adventurous, turn your search filter off (te he he) Just know, I am not responsible for spreading this affliction of GTS,  just for naming it!!!

GTS needs to be added on Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary as no one has come out of the closet to talk openly about it yet (before today that is).

 If you suffer from GTS or want to know more about this serious illness, just ask me, I can advise you on what to yell at Google to get the best results, instantly!!!

So, back to the story, one night, I was bored as hell and hating life so  I put in something like, “FUCK LIFE” or “GO FUCK YOURSELF LIFE'” or something like that and hit enter. And guess what happened?

Drum roll please…rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A web site came up that piqued my curiosity!!! Go figure!

 

Thanks Deviant Art for this Beastiality allowed only in designated areas pic

I don’t remember the site, but it was a forum for people who think their life sucks and everyone is trying to one up the other by telling sad stories about their fucked up life…cool concept as misery loves company, or so I am told.

There was one post from a guy who said that his life sucks cause he asked his girlfriend to share with him the  kinkiest thing she had ever done sexually and apparently she admitted to fucking her Dog because her EX boyfriend wanted to watch her do that.

The guy who wrote the post  said now that he knew she screwed a pooch, he had to break up with her, because he could never be with a woman who fucked a dog…or maybe he could never be with a woman who told the truth? Who knows?

He obviously didn't get a look at this handsome little devil!

 

Thanks for the dog with the wig pic

Before this moment, in all of my online history, I had never EVER left a comment on anyone’s website before…truth be told, I never even knew what a blog was until that day.

I thought this reaction of his was outrageous and I was also reminded of a freaky story from back in the day and I had to help this poor guy see the error in his ways. I always wanted to be a motivational speaker so this was my first try at it…I think it went well considering the subject matter.

I kept my quote as a memory of me popping my own Internet Comment Cherry …here it is

April 17, 2010

“Sure, it's gross cause that's what society has conditioned us to believe...but really, who cares?
I have never written on a chat forum before to voice my opinion about anything, but this is the subject I will choose to deflower myself with ;o)
 
Think about it....so what? She fucked a Dog!
I watched a hooker suck a Dog off for $10 at a party once when I was only 14, yes we were all really wasted and at the time we all laughed at her and made fun of her.  It was one of those moments that stays with you forever but you never really think about it till something like this sets you off!

This memory that I have repressed for 17 years just came to mind and I don't feel grossed out by it anymore,  I just feel sad for her that she had to degrade herself so much just to get some attention and make enough money to support her drug habit...at some point, she was just a little girl too with hopes and dreams and it sucks that was the path she took....we all do stupid things…some more so than others.

I feel sorry for your girlfriend that she told you something that she is probably ashamed of because she loves you and trusts you and now you will break her heart and make her feel like she is a piece of shit because of something experimental she did in her past! Hold the judgement for a second and remember, that YOU asked for this story, and also take into account that she trusted you enough to share it with you… that's huge!

I mean if you truly love this woman then you would love her unconditionally as a Dog Fucker or not! It's our past that makes us who we are and if you are in love with this woman as she is now, then that means, you also love her past cause it's a part of her.

Are we so shallow to only accept the acceptable?

If so, how would anything new be experienced, expressed, or made in this world? I am not saying that fucking a Dog will find the cure for cancer or anything (hey, maybe it will what do I know?)  but it’s this type of narrow minded, judgemental mentality that boxes people up so tight that they can’t breathe right anymore and then they go out and shoot a bunch of kids in a school to try to break free of their prison and/or find some relief!!!
 
I personally have never fucked a Dog, nor would I want to because A) That's really gross to me and B) I would be afraid of the consequences but hey, that's just me.

 

Thanks for the Beastiality dog pic!

But... I wouldn't banish a friend or lover from my life because they did something like that (unless it was chronic, or abusive towards the animal or my lover was cheating on me with their dog or something…I wouldn’t settle for playing second fiddle to Fido, that’s for sure).

Look a little deeper at this woman who is your girlfriend, maybe all she wants in life is to be loved or accepted and that was the only way she thought to be accepted and loved by her previous boyfriend and so then she complied with his crazy request?  Love it seems (especially when we are young) is more of a bargaining tool....if you do (fill in the blank) then I will (fill in the blank) it's sad that most women only want to be cherished and adored and in most cases will put up with anything for that and possibly even do anything in order to feel loved and cherished, while most men  would do or say anything just to get laid ( not in all cases, there are some romantics out there).

Well, I am going on and on here but I would say, if a girl is willing to fuck a Dog to make her previous boyfriend happy, she's a keeper, because she will do everything in her power to keep you happy too! Try not to be so judgemental...love from your heart not your head (ha no pun intended)...she's trustworthy enough to tell you the truth...that's one hell of a skeleton in the closet and she chose to share it with you ...don't be too hasty in throwing that girl away! Hope this helps...peace and love Patricia “

See, this is the comment that started this very blog you are now reading. I chose Dog fucking as my come out comment! Yes, the irony of that isn't lost on me (not cause I fuck dogs but because my entire life is spent looking for ways to fuck the proverbial Dog)

Although, is it just me or have you noticed that animals these days are trying really hard to be as sexy as they can be???

Cindy Crawford, eat your heart out!

With hair this fine, this dog has supermodel written all over it!

Thanks for the dog with the model hair pic

Gorillas minus the Mist are pretty hot!

Thanks for the sexy gorilla pic

It's pictures like these that make me proud to be a Vegetarian!

Thanks for this sexy pic of a cow

Sarah Jessica Parker has nothing on this horse face!

(ouch was that too mean?)

Thanks for the sexy horse pic

Sharing this story that I had remembered about the hooker I saw sucking off a dog at a party, made me want to share more of my fucked up stories that I haven't told anyone so I started a blog the very next day!

I hope that answers your question to your liking!

P.S.  Thanks for all the awesome comments that I woke up to this morning! I was uber beautiful all day long thanks to you guys! Me Love You Long Time (even if you fuck Dogs or sexy animals…see I don’t discriminate!!!! Unless you cheat on me with an animal, then I go all Chuck Norris meets Woody Wood Pecker on your ass!!!) Hahaha HA HA! Love from...ME, The Naked Writer or if you are a good stalker, then you can call me Trish.

P.P.S. Do you think I am a Freaky Enough blogger yet? Vote for me here if you do  and if I win, I will record my hot dog dance for you all to enjoy!




Score after this round:
Awesome Questions: 1
Voices In My Head: 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>

The Naked Writer 101

Above, is a picture of me, The Naked Writer. See, I am not just a cartoon character!

My new stalker friend J-face over at The Yellow Factor had made a list a while back, of 100 things to know about him on his site. His honesty was inspiring and it made me wonder if I had a list inside of me too that I could share. Turns out, I totally did...if you want to know anything else, just ask!

Oh, and please don't steal my blog entries and pictures without proper credit and my permission. This stuff I write and draw is all copywritten...thank you, I appreciate it!

The Naked Writer 101 

1. Everything I have done or not done in my life, has somehow been for love
2. I still trick or treat even as an adult…not just for the candy but for the little glimpses into other peoples lives, to see what a normal persons world smells like, looks like, sounds like
3. I enjoy making people laugh more than anything else in the entire world.
4. The search for love and authenticity/individuality are the only two things that get me out of bed everyday
5. I stare at walls for hours when I am procrastinating thinking of all I have to do that I don’t want to do
6. I once gave a guy a 4 hour blow job
7. When put on the spot, I have no idea what I do or do not like, I have to take an exaggerated pause to weigh out my options and think about it
8. Loud unexpected noises annoy me, even if it’s me who’s making them
9. Movie theatres are icky; a bunch of people crowded in a room breathing each others germs, eating like cows it’s fucking gross
10. I don’t grow my fingernails because I love to play the guitar which is my drug of choice now
11. I used to be a stripper or 'exotic dancer' on and off (more off than on) for 7 years
12. I love dogs so much, but will never own another after having to put my dog down cause of cancer…I now live vicariously through other peoples dogs
13. Most times I feel like I am an empty egg shell that is already cracked, waiting to fall and shatter into a million pieces
14. I don’t know what I believe in, it changes daily, sometimes hourly
15. My sun sign is Leo, My rising is Leo and my moon is Sagitarius I am all fire baby and that causes a lot of problems for me as I can be a highly reactive and explosive individual
16. I suffer from A.D.W.D. (Adult Don’t Wanna Disorder) it’s epic!
17. I wear glasses because when I was 11, I thought glasses were cool so  I lied on my eye exam to make it seem like I needed them
18. Wearing glasses makes me feel safe, like I can hide my emotions from people when I am wearing them. I feel naked without them.
19. I have perfect teeth but always wanted braces so I used to stretch a paper clip out and put it in my mouth and tell all the kids in school it was a retainer
20. I quit my job for a year to become a professional poker player. I was a shark and did very well until I started to use drugs to be able to stay up and play longer
21. I have always believed that there is something really wrong with me and so far, most of my life has been dedicated to finding ‘the cure’
22. I think ‘What’s the point?’ to almost everything in life it prevents me from trying most days
23. I want to be ‘Baby’ so ‘Johnny’ will tell everyone that no one puts me in the corner and we will sexy dance and love each other forever and live happily ever after…yes, I am still searching for my fairy tale ending
24. Being an exotic dancer made me feel empowered most of the time
25. I once turned down $50,000 to sleep with a man because after much deliberation I came to the conclusion that once a whore, always a whore, I don’t regret that decision!
26. On my 75th birthday, I will allow myself to try the most addictive drugs that I have always been curious about but afraid to try (like Crack and Heroin)
27. When I was 7, I thought I was a mermaid for the entire summer. I could hold my breath for more than 4 minutes underwater and swam like I had a tail
28. I stabbed my brother in the face with a pencil for no reason when I was 9, last time I saw him, he still had the grey dimple in his cheek
29. I worked hard in my life to get everything that I wanted and then when I had it all, I gave it up cause none of it made me happy, it was then that I finally understood that money really can’t buy happiness
30. I HATE to disappoint people
31. I feel pressured to always be engaging and fun when I am around others this makes me want to stay at home a lot
32. I joined a cult and didn’t know it for a while
33. I have drank my own pee three times it’s called Urine Therapy and yes it was fucking gross 
34. No matter how thin I get, it’s never thin enough, so I just stopped trying
35. In order to get super skinny, I went on a cocaine diet. I did all kinds of research and decided that because it wasn’t a physically addictive drug, I could control it cause of the insane amount of will power I have. I still ended up addicted to that drug for more than a year and it was the most expensive diet I ever went on
36. I didn’t learn to drive until I was 24
37. I tend to procrastinate procrastinating!
38. Listening gives me anxiety sometimes
39. Mostly I spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop
40. I am now afraid to feel too happy because happiness always ends in misery for me
41. I envy the mentally retarded (no joke) Their ignorance is a freedom I long for in life
42. My biggest fear is going crazy and losing my grip on reality.
43. I have a big thing for Dirty dancing’s Johnny also, John Cusack, Jeff Goldblume, Jim Halpert, John Malchovich…actually, maybe I have a thing for men who have names that start with ‘J’? I have a feeling that something cool happened to me the day I watched the episode of Sesame street that was brought to me by the letter 'J'?
44. I have been proposed to 7 times and have never once said yes because it felt like I would be settling
45. Sometimes I can be so impatient that I actually feel it as pain in my body, one time, impatience gave me an asthma attack!
46. I am afraid of failing and I am afraid of succeeding so most times, I don’t even bother
47. I have a different sound effect for things I do like when I throw something or drop something I make a weird noise with my mouth I only recently discovered this annoying quirk
48. I always think the grass is greener on the other side yet when I move to the other side, the grass is still all brown and wilty
49. I wrote my first book when I was 8; Chutney the Squirrel, I designed a cover and bound it and everything!
50. I hate smoking weed, it makes me paranoid 
51. I dislike quizzes it’s a stupid waste of time for someone else to box me into who they think I am…yet the curiosity eats away at me
52. Gossip mags make me sick yet when I go to the check out in a grocery store, there’s nothing to do but read them and then I want to buy them cause who’s ass is that with all the cellulite on it?
53. If someone is behind me when I am driving, I tend to go way over the speed limit just so they don’t get mad at me or think badly of me
54. I am super long winded (both in writing and talking with others) , I wish I could edit what I say mostly
55. When someone is telling me a story and I say ‘oh yeah you told me last week remember?’ and yet they finish the story anyways, I internally get into such an impatient rage that it feels like my eyeballs will pop right out of their sockets and I want to head butt them till they shut up so I don’t have to pretend to be interested in something I just heard…ugh!
56. I tend to lose track of what I am saying as I am constantly worrying about what the other person is thinking and if I have a booger on my nose or if I have morphed into the alien that I feel that I am. How would I know, would they be too polite to tell me?
57. I can't stand that I have imperfections and I wonder if I will ever love myself exactly as I am
58. Seat belts make me angry, they always find a way to move up on me and dig right into my fucking neck.
59. In the last year, I  have been in 3 motorbike accidents, I used to get tattoos to mark special occasions but now I proudly wear my scars. I am especially proud of my ‘franken knee’ it’s sexy!
60. The best part about watching a new movie in the theatre…the previews!
61. I pride myself on never being late! I would rather be 30 minutes early than 1 minute late
62. If you fart, I will laugh…nothing personal but that’s ‘A’ material
63. I have a burp that would scare bears away and I can belch on command
64. The feel of Styrofoam on my teeth or brushing against my nail or skin makes me almost throw up
65. I love to give presents and surprise people. I put a lot of thought into them, sometimes like a whole year of thought!
66. I don’t like to use up anything…so I have almost empty jars/bottles of stuff lying around the house
67. When making a sandwhich, instead of wiping the last remnants of the knife onto the bread, I like to lick the condiment off of it instead
68. I have monkey toes they are strong and can pick up anything…people who know me, are afraid of my feets
69. I love being in a long term relationship
70. When I was in grade 3, I tried to dance in the talent show to ‘I want your sex’ by George Michael I was hurt and confused they said no, cause I was awesome yet I was sent to the principles office for inappropriate behaviour!
71. I have been making up words since I was little and making people believe they are real …insegrievious was my first one
72. I don’t like to have sex with someone unless I am in love with them…then I can orgasm from my body, heart and soul…that is the best feeling a person can have
73. I have a hard time asking for help
74. I had a $20 a day book buying habit as I read a book a day for well over a year
75. I used to be an avid list maker and couldn’t be productive without one…come to think of it, now that I don’t make lists, nothing ever gets done
76. I once got so coked out that I watched Zoolander for two days straight and was still entertained by it every time!
77. Ecstasy doesn’t make me horny or friendly I just want to dance, close my eyes and pretend that nothing exists except the music
78. I am a happy, horny, fun drunk
79. When I found my first grey, I cried like a baby and when I called my best friend, he thought someone had died.  When he finally got the story out of me, he cried with laughter
80. I actually saved my first grey hair and wrote down the day I found it
81. Anthony Robbins books are responsible for me changing the direction of my life. His books and tapes helped me quit drugs, gambling and stripping and inspired me to open my own business and be more than I ever was. Tony Robbins is my hero and I thank him for producing such amazing material, I am still pursuing my dreams because of his words.
82. I like to cry hard once in a while, it makes me feel relieved, it’s like an orgasm for my eyes
83. I am a night owl there’s something so romantic about being out after 3 am it’s exclusive like the whole world is mine
84. When I am excited about something, I can inspire you to be passionate about it too because of how much enthusiasm I have I have been told, when I am like that, I am contagious and magnetic and could sell a used car to a used car salesman
85. When I was stripping, about 50% of my clients just paid me to listen to their hopes, dreams and problems at home
86. I am an excellent pool player. I actually skipped off an entire semester of school when I was 14 to learn to play pool and gitoni (foozball)
87. I am good at projecting that I have a lot of self confidence and power,  but mostly I am a jelly donut on the inside; scared and vulnerable
88. Most of my friends are guys, I just don’t understand women
89. I am a hopeful romantic
90. Every night before I go to bed, I pray that I will find my soul mate 
91. I moved out when I was 14 and lived on my own since I was 16 years old
92. I have a hard time showing weakness
93. I have very few regrets in life even though I have done and said some fucked up things
94. I once loved someone so much that I gave up a big part of my identity and most of the qualities that I loved about myself just to make him happy and try to make it work
95. I love watching a good on screen kiss it turns me on more than any porno ever could and makes my heart flutter with hope!
96. I will never cheat on a boyfriend…ever! I am loyal to a fault
97. I don’t have many secrets…even though I have done a lot of taboo things in my life that pushed the envelope of acceptable by social standards
98. I didn’t do my taxes for 9 years but when I finally got around to it, I got a shit load of money back
99. My live in boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me over video games. See, as a dancer, I would only have to work 4 days a month which was more than enough to pay all the bills. For the rest of the month, I had a love affair with Playstation . He said it was him or the video games, I chose the video games…duh! I think he was just super jealous of my amazing hand eye coordination and my mad skills to beat him at every game.
100. Currently, I live on a small island in Thailand called Koh Phangan. This island is famous for its monthly ‘Full Moon Parties’ where 10,000 + people show up from all over the world to party like a rock star for 3 straight days and nights on the white sandy beach about 10 kms from my house…I have lived here for a year and have never attended one of these parties…weird!
101. I miss my best friend so much it’s like I have walked around with a pitch fork in my chest for the last two years. At least 10 times a day, I wish he was here with me and I wonder if I will ever see or hear from him again

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

>

That Red Bull Made Me Horny With A Karate Chop To The Vag.

What a ridiculous waste of hornyness! In lieu of the fact that it was like a blogger sweat shop in here, zero pay and 16 hour days, treating myself to a Red Bull was the best pick me up I could think of (short of going and scoring some crack). 

Red Bull in Thailand is this bubble-less, thick, limp monstrosity; a cousin to motor oil  and a sister to cocaine.

Back in Canada, it’s $2.99 a can but here it’s like $0.25 a can!!

I tend to choke one  back for those kind of savings. I mean it’s like if I don’t have  a Red Bull, I am actually losing money cause of the awesome savings  of $2.74 each time I fuel up.

It not only gives me energy and makes every orifice quiver with delight but it also MAKES me money.

By my calculations, if I drink 10 Red Bulls a day, I will make (thinks really hard) $274.00 a day!!! I could be a little off on the math there, but not by much. This could be the best job I never had!

The lack of bubbles in the Thai formula seems to create a veritable vortex of intense desire that is directly located in my pelvic region.

The key ingredients are one drop of sweat from Chuck Norris’ nut sack and the tears from a remorseful pimp on steroids after beating one of his bitches that hasn’t paid him his money.

It’s like this drink went into a Roid Rage and took it out on all my naughty parts finishing off with a perfect round house kick to my vagina!

Ah! Who needs a man with a drink like this?

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

>

The Unfortunate Blow Job Incident

I keep saying that I will share my ‘shady’ past with you guys and I never seem to get around to it.  So, in keeping with the spirit of my intentions for this Blog, I bring to you, a true tale from the vaults of The Naked Writer.

This is pretty graphic, so consider yourself warned! If you are a relative of mine, you probably don’t want to read this one.
Seriously, skip it!

I used to have this thing with gum, it was a love affair of sorts. I could talk, smoke, twirl my tongue ring  and chew gum all at the same time …it really was a fine art that I mastered masterfully!                         

                                         

For years I chewed only Green Spearmint Gum (he was the coolest) but gave him up for the more aesthetically pleasing, White Peppermint Gum (we were much better suited for one another, and he matched the colour of my teeth).  Frankly, I was sick of seeing photos of myself where one side of my smile had that angry Hulk look.   I mean, I  knew  it was gum but other people felt bad for me and what looked like my rotted teeth.

 

My gum and I rarely parted. It was a game, carried over from my childhood,  to see how long I could chew one piece. In my house, as a kid, you had better make your gum last cause who knew when you would get more. One piece could last me a few days hell, maybe even a week.

That gum was my Adult Pacifier, my Blankie, my Safety Net. When I didn’t have something to say, I could rely on Ol’ Faithful for comfort, to distract me from awkward pauses.  Instead of biting my tongue, I just had to bite the gum…much easier! It made uncomfortable silences quite comfortable for me…cause after all, it wasn’t my fault there was silence…I was busy chomping!

Now, as any Gum Connoisseur will tell you , in order to continue recycling it, there are a few important rules.  The most important of all, is to never, ever, ever, chew it immediately after eating peanut butter! For all of you peanut butterly challenged folks out there; this is a deadly combination that kills chewing gum, morphing it into some sort of slimy alien that attaches and bonds itself instantly to anything and everything.

So, one night I disobeyed the rule. I thought I could escape it, I thought it could be different for me, just bend the rules a bit, it’s what I did in life and  I was good at it dammit! It wasn’t a lot of peanut butter I swear! Maybe a cracker or something with a tiny bit on it …no big deal. I downed the cracker and reinserted the gum as Mr. X and I raced upstairs to go fool around. Just to be sure, I tested the gum, it didn’t seem to have a gooier texture, it didn’t stick to my lips, all was well in my world!

Click on the pictures to enlarge

We were making out for a while and in between kisses, I would sneak a couple of inconspicuous chomps as per my usual.  Mr. X sees this and puts out his hand. “Spit it out”

“Nooooooo! I  just put it in”, I whined.

“No you didn't! That was like 4 hours ago, Patricia. I swear, one of these days you will wake up with it in your hair , or all over my sheets or you’ll get it all over me. Fuck! Spit it out!”.  We fought over this often.

“FINE! I have to go to the bathroom anyways so I will just spit it out there”  I lied.

Instead, I tucked the gum in the top right hand side (my fav corner) of my cheek and pretended as though I tossed it.

We resumed our lengthy make out session and he was none the wiser cause I was 007 participating in the covert mission ‘Operation Stealthy Gum’.

Things get all heated, and I end up going down on him.

Now, here’s where things get a little sticky. Previously, I had gotten away with this on many occasions, never a mishap…sometimes a tiny fumble but I always made the recovery, so it had never been a problem  and he was never the wiser.

But, on this particular occasion, I was quite naughty and very giving (more so than my usual) think Ultimate Sword Swallowing Championship and I was playing to win! So in my eagerness to please, I just simply forgot that I had the gum in my mouth!

At some point, I finally came up for a little gulp of air and a quick chomp before heading back down to bring him round the finish mark. Only, there was no chomp cause there was no gum.  ‘But where oh where could my little gum be?’ I wondered.

‘Did I swallow it in my intense oral passions with Mr. X?’

Now, the room was dimly lit so I couldn’t see very well, but it didn’t appear to have fallen out.  No big deal then, all is well in Trish Land right? Arrrrrr (that’s the buzzer that indicates how wrong you are) and I am following that up by the pirate slang ARGH!!! Cause fuck me sideways! As I got closer, all I could see was a glorious erection covered in what looked like white silly string and capped with a hefty looking Hard Hat.

Oh no, oh God this can’t be happening! Mr. X  said this would happen! He predicted this very thing would happen ‘one of these days’ .. but I always told him ‘no way, you underestimate my mad gum wielding skills’.

Shit, this would mean…duh duh duh (that's the intense old scary music sound for you guys that don’t know yet) that I would have to admit that he was right and I was wrong?????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Say it isn’t so!

I will never admit defeat! I will never surrender!

‘SHIT!  When did I fumble the gum and how the fuck did I get so lost in this Blow Job that I forgot about my Mouth Blankie?’

I panicked, he can’t know. Everything was in slow motion. My eyes wide with fear, I couldn’t think quick enough. ‘I must fix this and recover the fumble’ was all I could think! So, in a suave move to buy some time, I practically knocked out one of his eyes with my boob (all in slow motion of course) as I expertly diverted his gaze from the cold hard truth awaiting him down below.

He thought that I was being kinky,  little did he know, I had only one thing on my mind;  how could I win this? How could I get it off his dick without him knowing? I couldn’t bounce to the kitchen for gum removal aides, that would of be a little obvious.

‘Ummmm well, maybe it’s really not all that bad, after all it’s just one little piece of gum right? I could just continue to go down on him and it will come off with a little extra enthusiasm right?’ ARRRRRR! Wrong again!

Fuck, all I was doing was making it worse! Instead of it all gently rolling back into a the perfect piece of gum, for my future chewing pleasure (as I imagined it would), I was just smearing it around even more.  I tried to buy more time but as I was incapable of doing my signature mouth moves, his body knew something wasn’t right yet his mind was still hoping for something awesome!

But what to do? The c(l)ock was ticking…So, I did the only thing I could think of, I covered my teeth with my lips and tried to peel away each string of gum while making it seem like this was something new that I was trying out on him. I was diligent in my efforts and tried to be thorough but there was no winning this game.

After a minute of doing this, he got super annoyed.
“Trish, what the fuck are you doing?”

I just stared at him with huge sorrowful eyes, and blurted out as fast and as furious as I could;

“FUCK I am so sorry! I didn’t spit out the gum and now it’s all over your dick! Don’t be mad, I was just so into it that I forgot about the gum! Sorry!" I winced and laughed at the same time. He however, did not find the humour in this situation at all.

It took a long, long time to get it off. We used everything, yet some remained even the next day. Apparently, the head of the Penis is a veritable magnet for mutated peanut buttery gum.

The moral of the story? Obviously, I don’t have morals! I just shared a ‘best friends only blow job story’ with strangers on the internet! :o)

PS. Yes, he made me grovel and I swear I had to tell him a million times about how he was right and I was wrong. It was totally humiliating.

Final Score of This Game;
Mr. X: 1  The Naked Writer: 0 

PPS It took me an entire day to animate this story cause of slow firing synapses and shit...so if you like it, hate, or are indifferent to it, leave a comment and let me know!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>