I keep saying that I will share my ‘shady’ past with you guys and I never seem to get around to it. So, in keeping with the spirit of my intentions for this Blog, I bring to you, a true tale from the vaults of The Naked Writer.
This is pretty graphic, so consider yourself warned!
If you are a relative of mine, you probably don’t want to read this one.
Seriously, skip it!
I used to have this thing with gum, it was a love affair of sorts. I could talk, smoke, twirl my tongue ring and chew gum all at the same time …it really was a fine art that I mastered masterfully!
For years I chewed only Green Spearmint Gum (he was the coolest) but gave him up for the more aesthetically pleasing, White Peppermint Gum (we were much better suited for one another, and he matched the colour of my teeth). Frankly, I was sick of seeing photos of myself where one side of my smile had that angry Hulk look. I mean, I knew it was gum but other people felt bad for me and what looked like my rotted teeth.
My gum and I rarely parted. It was a game, carried over from my childhood, to see how long I could chew one piece. In my house, as a kid, you had better make your gum last cause who knew when you would get more. One piece could last me a few days hell, maybe even a week.
That gum was my Adult Pacifier, my Blankie, my Safety Net. When I didn’t have something to say, I could rely on Ol’ Faithful for comfort, to distract me from awkward pauses. Instead of biting my tongue, I just had to bite the gum…much easier! It made uncomfortable silences quite comfortable for me…cause after all, it wasn’t my fault there was silence…I was busy chomping!
Now, as any Gum Connoisseur will tell you , in order to continue recycling it, there are a few important rules. The most important of all, is to never, ever, ever, chew it immediately after eating peanut butter! For all of you peanut butterly challenged folks out there; this is a deadly combination that kills chewing gum, morphing it into some sort of slimy alien that attaches and bonds itself instantly to anything and everything.
So, one night I disobeyed the rule. I thought I could escape it, I thought it could be different for me, just bend the rules a bit, it’s what I did in life and I was good at it dammit! It wasn’t a lot of peanut butter I swear! Maybe a cracker or something with a tiny bit on it …no big deal. I downed the cracker and reinserted the gum as Mr. X and I raced upstairs to go fool around. Just to be sure, I tested the gum, it didn’t seem to have a gooier texture, it didn’t stick to my lips, all was well in my world!
Click on the pictures to enlarge
We were making out for a while and in between kisses, I would sneak a couple of inconspicuous chomps as per my usual. Mr. X sees this and puts out his hand. “Spit it out”
“Nooooooo! I just put it in”, I whined.
“No you didn't! That was like 4 hours ago, Patricia. I swear, one of these days you will wake up with it in your hair , or all over my sheets or you’ll get it all over me. Fuck! Spit it out!”. We fought over this often.
“FINE! I have to go to the bathroom anyways so I will just spit it out there” I lied.
Instead, I tucked the gum in the top right hand side (my fav corner) of my cheek and pretended as though I tossed it.
We resumed our lengthy make out session and he was none the wiser cause I was 007 participating in the covert mission ‘Operation Stealthy Gum’.
Things get all heated, and I end up going down on him.
Now, here’s where things get a little sticky. Previously, I had gotten away with this on many occasions, never a mishap…sometimes a tiny fumble but I always made the recovery, so it had never been a problem and he was never the wiser.
But, on this particular occasion, I was quite naughty and very giving (more so than my usual) think Ultimate Sword Swallowing Championship and I was playing to win! So in my eagerness to please, I just simply forgot that I had the gum in my mouth!
At some point, I finally came up for a little gulp of air and a quick chomp before heading back down to bring him round the finish mark. Only, there was no chomp cause there was no gum. ‘But where oh where could my little gum be?’ I wondered.
‘Did I swallow it in my intense oral passions with Mr. X?’
Now, the room was dimly lit so I couldn’t see very well, but it didn’t appear to have fallen out. No big deal then, all is well in Trish Land right? Arrrrrr (that’s the buzzer that indicates how wrong you are) and I am following that up by the
pirate slang ARGH!!! Cause fuck me sideways! As I got closer, all I could see was a glorious erection covered in what looked like white silly string and capped with a hefty looking Hard Hat.
Oh no, oh God this can’t be happening! Mr. X said this would happen! He predicted this very thing would happen ‘one of these days’ .. but I always told him ‘no way, you underestimate my mad gum wielding skills’.
Shit, this would mean…duh duh duh (that's the intense old scary music sound for you guys that don’t know yet) that I would have to admit that he was right and I was wrong?????
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Say it isn’t so!
I will never admit defeat! I will never surrender!
‘SHIT! When did I fumble the gum and how the fuck did I get so lost in this Blow Job that I forgot about my Mouth Blankie?’
I panicked, he can’t know. Everything was in slow motion. My eyes wide with fear, I couldn’t think quick enough. ‘I must fix this and recover the fumble’ was all I could think! So, in a suave move to buy some time, I practically knocked out one of his eyes with my boob (all in slow motion of course) as I expertly diverted his gaze from the cold hard truth awaiting him down below.
He thought that I was being kinky, little did he know, I had only one thing on my mind; how could I win this? How could I get it off his dick without him knowing? I couldn’t bounce to the kitchen for gum removal aides, that would of be a little obvious.
‘Ummmm well, maybe it’s really not all that bad, after all it’s just one little piece of gum right? I could just continue to go down on him and it will come off with a little extra enthusiasm right?’
ARRRRRR! Wrong again!
Fuck, all I was doing was making it worse! Instead of it all gently rolling back into a the perfect piece of gum, for my future chewing pleasure (as I imagined it would), I was just smearing it around even more. I tried to buy more time but as I was incapable of doing my signature mouth moves, his body knew something wasn’t right yet his mind was still hoping for something awesome!
But what to do? The c(l)ock was ticking…So, I did the only thing I could think of, I covered my teeth with my lips and tried to peel away each string of gum while making it seem like this was something new that I was trying out on him. I was diligent in my efforts and tried to be thorough but there was no winning this game.
After a minute of doing this, he got super annoyed.
“Trish, what the fuck are you doing?”
I just stared at him with huge sorrowful eyes, and blurted out as fast and as furious as I could;
“FUCK I am so sorry! I didn’t spit out the gum and now it’s all over your dick! Don’t be mad, I was just so into it that I forgot about the gum! Sorry!" I winced and laughed at the same time. He however, did not find the humour in this situation at all.
It took a long, long time to get it off. We used everything, yet some remained even the next day. Apparently, the head of the Penis is a veritable magnet for mutated peanut buttery gum.
The moral of the story? Obviously, I don’t have morals! I just shared a ‘best friends only blow job story’ with strangers on the internet! :o)
PS. Yes, he made me grovel and I swear I had to tell him a million times about how he was right and I was wrong. It was totally humiliating.
Final Score of This Game;
Mr. X: 1 The Naked Writer: 0
PPS It took me an entire day to animate this story cause of slow firing synapses and shit...so if you like it, hate, or are indifferent to it, leave a comment and let me know!
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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