Dear Duane…Rob Pattinson From Twilight Has Down Syndrome...For Serious!!!

Dude, whenever I see pictures of that Ass Clown, Rob Pattinson (you know that whiny, Vampire Douche they call Edward, from that brutal fucking vampire movie that everyone has been hypnotized to love?)
I think…
“Oh my God, since when is Down Syndrome considered hot?”

Seriously, this man looks like he has all the major kinds of Down Syndrome and he looks suspiciously like that Himalayan cat (Gizmo) that I used to own. Remember how she had no voice box and sounded like she was throwing up a fur ball whenever she tried to ‘speak’? This is exactly what Rob Pattinson sounds like when he sings… only my cat would enunciate her ‘words’ better.

(Using the Jerry Seinfeld Voice) 

And what's the deal with this guy? He isn't Rob Pattison, but he could of been, if only his Mommy worked for a Modelling Agency! Who are these people? (end of JSV)

Everywhere I go, I feel like I am being brain washed into believing that this ‘Corky from Life Goes On’ look a like is HOT and Sexy! ARRRR! (Wrong answer!)
This is insane and needs to stop immediately!!

Corky from Life Goes On

UGHH! Seriously, Rob could be Arnie from Gilbert Grape, all growed up...

This here is Leo DiCaprio as Arnie in What's Eating Gilbert Grape

And this here is Rob Pattinson, the resemblance is uncanny!

I can hear him now "Heeeyy Gilbert, I made Vampire Doo Doo Gilbert...AAH AAHHAHAH!"

If Mattel ever wanted to make an Edward doll, all they would have to do is, take a Troll doll, give it some Heroin so it’s all emaciated and shit, add an extra chromosome or two and voila, perfect replica, every time!

If South Park decided to dedicate an episode to him, they wouldn’t have to do much, put him in a wheel chair and he could easily play Timmy, just with darker hair.  Look closely at the second installment of that Twilight movie and you will see when Edward and the wolf guy fight, they look just like Timmy and Jimmy in a cripple fight, only a little more bad ass! (but not by much)

 CRIPPLE FIGHT! South Park's Timmy and Jimmy or is it Twilight's Edward and Jacob??

Only if your Mommy works at a prominent modelling agency can you have this level of retardation and get to be a Calvin Klein Model!!

Really? Really Calvin Klein??? For Serious? UGHHH!

I read an interview he had with Ellen DeGeneres and it said something like he used to be a model but then once he became a certain age he couldn’t model anymore cause he just got “too manly looking”

Ummm…too manly??? No, there must be some mistake there...who the fuck said you are too ‘manly’ looking Mr. Pattinson? I think you were jumping to your own conclusion there, unless by manly, you mean Rocky Dennis’ face from ‘Mask’ meets ‘Sloth’ that freak from 'The Goonies' movie… then sure, that’s manly…in a completely Bizarro kind of way.

Sloth from 'The Goonies'

 +

Rocky Dennis from The 'Mask'

  =

Rob Pattinson from 'The Twilight'???

There is nothing manly about this guy…he has no chest hair, and every time he has to kiss a girl he cries like some little bitch, apparently that is what it takes to be a man these days;

I know I personally love it when my men openly weep into my mouth when they kiss me…nothing says sexy like french kissing some snot and tears, yum! This shit is giving me a serious case of GTS!!! So don't blame me, it's my Google Tourette's acting up again!

Boy, when did Vampires get all EMO-Y? Whatever happened to bad assed Vampires like Blade, Keifer Sutherland in Lost Boys, and Pee Wee Herman in Buffy?

What the fuck does every pre-pubescent girl and mid life crisis woman see in this Mongoloid? I don't get it, and I will never know!

Robert Pattinson, David Schwimmer, Ryan Reynolds and the lead singer from Cold Play, should all get together and form a club called

'The Secret Down Syndrome's Society' (SDSS for short)!

Remember the Transformers commercials slogan? :

 ‘Transformers…robots in disguise’

Well,  the SDSS slogan could be just like that only:

‘Bad actors…retards in disguise’

I decided to look up Down Syndrome on Wikipedia and here’s what it had to say:  

"The extra chromosome 21 material that causes Down syndrome may be due to a Robertsonian translocation (ROB) in the karyotype of one of the parents. In this case, the long arm of chromosome 21 is attached to another chromosome, often chromosome 14”

UMMMM, ROBERTSONIAN, (ROB)…coincidence? I think not! This is all the proof I need! I didn't make that up either....take a look yourself, the link is in the name.

 

Take a look at the behind the scenes on Twilight, when Edward plays that terrible actress his lullaby song on the piano…you see, Pattinson is actually playing chopsticks, quite badly and drool keeps coming out of his mouth cause they are dangling candy above his head as an incentive to keep up the good work…

then Kristen what’s her face has to move from the couch she is sitting on and sit beside him on the piano bench in order to discretely wipe the retard spit off his chin before each take…and pat him on his head and scratch his belly while giving him lumps of sugar that she keeps in her pocket to keep 'EDWARD HAPPY'
It’s a hilarious behind the scenes look that makes this movie so much funner to watch.

Seriously, watch this movie as it really is…Edward is like Doofy from Scream only he doesn't know it...doesn’t this movie make a hell of a lot more sense now? This is the funniest movie I have seen in a long time because of this knowledge.

Hey I know, I am no prize either and have no right to be making fun of other people, but I have had a vagina for a face all my life too and no one ever made me famous for it...I need to get in contact with his PR people, bet they could convince the world that my vagina face is hot, then I can be on a movie and make millions!

Dude, I miss you like crazy and I really wish we could of laughed at these movies together...it would of been a hooot!

Ciao for now Brown Cow!

Love, Vagina-Face-Trish-inator (coming to a theater near you)

PS: No Robert Pattinson's were harmed during the making of this blog entry! I sent him some candy in the mail, just in case!

PPS: DISCLAIMER: (just in case)  As far as I know, Robert Pattinson is NOT a Troll Doll, and he does NOT have The Down Syndrome.
It is in this Blogger's opinion (that's me) that he looks and acts like he has an extra chromosome or two. This is probably not the case though and since I am not a Doctor, I therefore cannot give you my professional opinion or diagnosis.  This is just my personal opinion and diagnosis, and in no way does this reflect my actual opinion (except that it does, but not in a court of law)!!!

PPPS: Yes, I know this is a mean post but it's also the truth about how I feel...and you know how like if you are black then you are allowed to make fun of other black people and use the 'n' word? Yeah, well, just like Robert Pattinson, I too have a Vagina face which gives me full rights to make fun of other Vagina faces!!!! So it's ok to break his non existent balls...is what I am saying (cause I too don't have any balls...are you seeing the trend yet? we have so much in common, it's like I am making fun of myself see?)  (JSV) STOP YELLING AT ME!

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>

The Devil Behind The Woman

If the devil were a woman, it would be her.

An undercover gypsy ready to curse with that cold, hard stare.

Medusa in disguise, black soulless eyes,

Fills me with anger and dread.

Eyes that have no purpose other than to chastise and hate.

Unfeeling, unflinching they look right through me,

As if I never even existed,

As if I were more invisible than air.

Pupils that are permanently fixed into a tight contraction,

Tighter than her hardened jaw and pursed lips.

A low brow, to shadow the infectious, callousness of

Evil and hate that emanate from her Corneas of Hell.

A misery that doesn't even love company but takes pleasure

In destroying me with one blackened look.

As if I belong on the bottom of her shoe and will never be worthy

Of anything, not even her loathsome gaze.

Eyes that haunt me, make me feel so small,

Forever unforgiving, I flinch in their presence.

A need to slap some sense into her, to see me in a different light,

A need to shake those eyes, until they soften for a moment,

And scream at her;

“Wake up, wake up you evil bitch! Aren't you burdened with those heavy Bags of hatred that have taken root under your lush lashes?
It was just a disagreement and so long ago,
Can't you see you are imprisoned by the past?”

I have a need to see the real woman behind those cold hard beady eyes,

Maybe then, I can stop hating her ugly, spiteful, putrid presence,

And start to understand and begin to love, the woman behind the Devil.



Yay! So, the dry spell is over, I am no longer creatively constipated!
Thanks for all of your comments they helped a lot.
A special thanks to these two bloggers:
Rich at Adventures Of A Corn Turtle Hunter and Miss Nikki at Life's A Bitch, you two really inspired me to tap into something that irritates me and for some reason this woman on the island that I know popped into my head and I had to write about it. See, not liking someone can actually be a useful tool to getting over writers block. Actually, it seems that anything that really emotionally revs you up, seems to get rid of creative constipation.

Lesson learned, thanks guys!

For more of my poetry, go here

Devil's Eye Picture by: Brian Frick

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>

This Blogger Is Creatively Constipated, Does Anyone Have An Antidote?

Trying to write a blog post this week, is like trying to take a crap if you are constipated. There’s a lot of pushing, grunting, and effort only to have nothing to show for it in the end!

Thanks for the Asian guy eating his own face pic

~Sigh~ I just want to take a creative dump and share it with you guys, is that too much to ask for?

Thanks for the constipated skeleton on the toilet pic

Yep, my artistic tendencies are blocked right in the sphincter. I am all bunged up with nothing to write, and I am left looking for some sort of communicatory ex-lax to induce some productivity.

Maybe if I grew a second head, I too could be uber creative?

Thanks for the old man with the two heads playing a Banjo Pic

I have tried using Google Tourette’s Syndrome (GTS) to spice up my internal wizardry juices, I have tried yoga, Red Bull, painting,
bitching in Haiku, writing,  drawing with crayons,  speaking in gibberish, stalking other bloggers, meditation, Chuck Norris jokes, singing, poetry, playing my guitar, twisted stories, making homemade yogurt, sleeping and masturbating (well…that last one was just to pass the time while I waited for inspiration to hit me) nothing seems to work!!

I need your help! All week I have been unable to produce any creative discharge! My innovation is all dried up, it’s flaccid and limp like a penis after Spring Break. Do you guys have any ideas on how to unblock one’s juices? Anyone have a funny idea they would like me to blog about? Do you have any weird sayings you have heard or use and need someone to decipher them for you?

Send me a message and I will include your idea on my next blog topic!

Bye for now

The Bunged Up Naked Writer!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Google Tourette’s Syndrome and Dog Beastiality: How I First Started Blogging, A True Story! *Safe for Work, I think!*

Remember how a while back, on my post The Naked Writer 101, I said if you want to know anything else just ask? Well, I got a few questions from REAL LIVE people this time, not just the voices in my head.

This is what the voices in my head look like, pretty hot huh?

Thanks for the sexy monkey pic

Now, because I am so frigging long winded and cannot edit myself in any way (because of my own self importance), I can only answer one question at a time!

While I gather my thoughts, look at this dog with an Afro!  

Thanks for the dog with the wig pic

So, without further ado, I now pronounce me Husband and Wife…what? Where the hell did that come from? I better consummate this quick before I change my mind!!

Ok, I am back…whew,  that was close!  I almost got away from me there!  But now I done and got me pregnant and am stuck with me for life…ha ha, I win…what a tricky little bitch I am!

Shit, I keep getting off track…ok, So,  here is one answer to one question from an individual who needed to know more about who they are stalking…

Question;  “How did you get into blogging?” 

(you guys might think this would be a simple answer done in a paragraph or less...I am sorry to say,  Arrrrrr wrong answer! Buckle up and put on some diapers, this is gonna be a long one (that’s what she said…ha ha)
My Answer to you dear stalker friend;

I got into blogging because I really was procrastinating writing my novel but I used to procrastinate it with an affliction I have lovingly coined as Google Tourette’s Syndrome or GTS.

You see, when I get really bored or really need to procrastinate and feel like I am doing something important, I type in dirty words or phrases or what I am feeling into the Google Tool Bar (and always in capital letters). I used to do this at least once a day but lately, I have slowed down to a few times a week. See, blogging does help some  Compulsive Disorders! 

I would type random things like "ASS COCK HOLE” “DIRTY DONKEY NUT EATER” “SILLY STRING MONKEY SPUNK'” “GO FUCK YOURSELF INTERNET'” “GOOGLE’S MOTHER IS A WHORE” “YOU GET HORNY FOR LIMA BEANS” and so on…you get the picture right?

 

I have really looked up all of those things and then some. I guess I don’t need to tell you that I have seen some really fucked up things on the Internet because of my  GTS!  Try it, you might like it, I warn you though, it can be highly addictive and if you are really adventurous, turn your search filter off (te he he) Just know, I am not responsible for spreading this affliction of GTS,  just for naming it!!!

GTS needs to be added on Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary as no one has come out of the closet to talk openly about it yet (before today that is).

 If you suffer from GTS or want to know more about this serious illness, just ask me, I can advise you on what to yell at Google to get the best results, instantly!!!

So, back to the story, one night, I was bored as hell and hating life so  I put in something like, “FUCK LIFE” or “GO FUCK YOURSELF LIFE'” or something like that and hit enter. And guess what happened?

Drum roll please…rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A web site came up that piqued my curiosity!!! Go figure!

 

Thanks Deviant Art for this Beastiality allowed only in designated areas pic

I don’t remember the site, but it was a forum for people who think their life sucks and everyone is trying to one up the other by telling sad stories about their fucked up life…cool concept as misery loves company, or so I am told.

There was one post from a guy who said that his life sucks cause he asked his girlfriend to share with him the  kinkiest thing she had ever done sexually and apparently she admitted to fucking her Dog because her EX boyfriend wanted to watch her do that.

The guy who wrote the post  said now that he knew she screwed a pooch, he had to break up with her, because he could never be with a woman who fucked a dog…or maybe he could never be with a woman who told the truth? Who knows?

He obviously didn't get a look at this handsome little devil!

 

Thanks for the dog with the wig pic

Before this moment, in all of my online history, I had never EVER left a comment on anyone’s website before…truth be told, I never even knew what a blog was until that day.

I thought this reaction of his was outrageous and I was also reminded of a freaky story from back in the day and I had to help this poor guy see the error in his ways. I always wanted to be a motivational speaker so this was my first try at it…I think it went well considering the subject matter.

I kept my quote as a memory of me popping my own Internet Comment Cherry …here it is

April 17, 2010

“Sure, it's gross cause that's what society has conditioned us to believe...but really, who cares?
I have never written on a chat forum before to voice my opinion about anything, but this is the subject I will choose to deflower myself with ;o)
 
Think about it....so what? She fucked a Dog!
I watched a hooker suck a Dog off for $10 at a party once when I was only 14, yes we were all really wasted and at the time we all laughed at her and made fun of her.  It was one of those moments that stays with you forever but you never really think about it till something like this sets you off!

This memory that I have repressed for 17 years just came to mind and I don't feel grossed out by it anymore,  I just feel sad for her that she had to degrade herself so much just to get some attention and make enough money to support her drug habit...at some point, she was just a little girl too with hopes and dreams and it sucks that was the path she took....we all do stupid things…some more so than others.

I feel sorry for your girlfriend that she told you something that she is probably ashamed of because she loves you and trusts you and now you will break her heart and make her feel like she is a piece of shit because of something experimental she did in her past! Hold the judgement for a second and remember, that YOU asked for this story, and also take into account that she trusted you enough to share it with you… that's huge!

I mean if you truly love this woman then you would love her unconditionally as a Dog Fucker or not! It's our past that makes us who we are and if you are in love with this woman as she is now, then that means, you also love her past cause it's a part of her.

Are we so shallow to only accept the acceptable?

If so, how would anything new be experienced, expressed, or made in this world? I am not saying that fucking a Dog will find the cure for cancer or anything (hey, maybe it will what do I know?)  but it’s this type of narrow minded, judgemental mentality that boxes people up so tight that they can’t breathe right anymore and then they go out and shoot a bunch of kids in a school to try to break free of their prison and/or find some relief!!!
 
I personally have never fucked a Dog, nor would I want to because A) That's really gross to me and B) I would be afraid of the consequences but hey, that's just me.

 

Thanks for the Beastiality dog pic!

But... I wouldn't banish a friend or lover from my life because they did something like that (unless it was chronic, or abusive towards the animal or my lover was cheating on me with their dog or something…I wouldn’t settle for playing second fiddle to Fido, that’s for sure).

Look a little deeper at this woman who is your girlfriend, maybe all she wants in life is to be loved or accepted and that was the only way she thought to be accepted and loved by her previous boyfriend and so then she complied with his crazy request?  Love it seems (especially when we are young) is more of a bargaining tool....if you do (fill in the blank) then I will (fill in the blank) it's sad that most women only want to be cherished and adored and in most cases will put up with anything for that and possibly even do anything in order to feel loved and cherished, while most men  would do or say anything just to get laid ( not in all cases, there are some romantics out there).

Well, I am going on and on here but I would say, if a girl is willing to fuck a Dog to make her previous boyfriend happy, she's a keeper, because she will do everything in her power to keep you happy too! Try not to be so judgemental...love from your heart not your head (ha no pun intended)...she's trustworthy enough to tell you the truth...that's one hell of a skeleton in the closet and she chose to share it with you ...don't be too hasty in throwing that girl away! Hope this helps...peace and love Patricia “

See, this is the comment that started this very blog you are now reading. I chose Dog fucking as my come out comment! Yes, the irony of that isn't lost on me (not cause I fuck dogs but because my entire life is spent looking for ways to fuck the proverbial Dog)

Although, is it just me or have you noticed that animals these days are trying really hard to be as sexy as they can be???

Cindy Crawford, eat your heart out!

With hair this fine, this dog has supermodel written all over it!

Thanks for the dog with the model hair pic

Gorillas minus the Mist are pretty hot!

Thanks for the sexy gorilla pic

It's pictures like these that make me proud to be a Vegetarian!

Thanks for this sexy pic of a cow

Sarah Jessica Parker has nothing on this horse face!

(ouch was that too mean?)

Thanks for the sexy horse pic

Sharing this story that I had remembered about the hooker I saw sucking off a dog at a party, made me want to share more of my fucked up stories that I haven't told anyone so I started a blog the very next day!

I hope that answers your question to your liking!

P.S.  Thanks for all the awesome comments that I woke up to this morning! I was uber beautiful all day long thanks to you guys! Me Love You Long Time (even if you fuck Dogs or sexy animals…see I don’t discriminate!!!! Unless you cheat on me with an animal, then I go all Chuck Norris meets Woody Wood Pecker on your ass!!!) Hahaha HA HA! Love from...ME, The Naked Writer or if you are a good stalker, then you can call me Trish.

P.P.S. Do you think I am a Freaky Enough blogger yet? Vote for me here if you do  and if I win, I will record my hot dog dance for you all to enjoy!




Score after this round:
Awesome Questions: 1
Voices In My Head: 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>

Your Comments Took All My Fuglies Away And Made Me Look Hot! Now Comment Some More So I Can Get Laid Already!!!

Today, inspiration hit me in the face like a sack of…well, I have never had a sack of potatoes hit me in the face so I can’t really use that expression now can I?  But, I have had a Ball Sack hit me in the face once or twice, and let me assure you, you never really see THAT coming…well actually, you do… but they are so quick you don’t really have time to get out of the way and before you know it, you have been Tea Bagged...hopefully not by yourself...cause that's just gross and at the same time, really impressive!

Thanks for the Dog Tea Bagging Himself Picture!

Um, so back to my point...inspiration, yep, as you can see...I have A lot of that today!…OOOKK, moving on…

I was highly suspicious upon waking up this morning when I looked in the mirror, and I had PERFECT HAIR! I mean, Pantene Commercial kind of perfect hair…which I never get, even if I style it.

I pinched myself a few times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming this lustrous mane I saw before me…but nope, I woke up hot!

Score one for me! That is a first!!!

It must of been the 2 hours of beauty sleep I got last night, coupled with all of that procrastinating I did yesterday, this appears to be a perfect solution for beauty as it made my skin and hair shine like something shiny (yeah I AM beautiful today but I didn’t claim to be witty or intelligentzs ok?)


But what I really think is the key ingredient for all this hotness I saw before me in the mirror was YOUR COMMENTS! Yep, your comments make me hot ( like sexy hot, not hot and bothered...although there were a couple of comments....never mind)…let me explain!


Whenever I wake up in the morning after writing a post the previous evening, before I do anything else, I open up my Laptop and excitedly wait for my blog page to load up. I am like a kid before Xmas waiting to see your comments!! I love them, I think they are the air that I breathe…fuck, who needs food when I have awesome comments like yours!


Reading your comments brings me so much pleasure that I feel tempted to sit on the side of a road with a sign that says ‘will work for comments’ cause I don’t think I need anything more in life than that!

Comments are my Heroin, my instant gratifaction (yes I have now legally changed the word from gratification to gratifaction cause it sounds cooler…fuck you Oxford Dictionary I am now fully capable of making my own wordz up, cause I am all growed up see?) and I need my daily fix dammit (My daily fix of comments see? I know I may have lost you there while I was cussing out The Oxford Dictionary, so sorry about that)!

I figured out last night that the reason I got into blogging was to have a valid creative excuse to procrastinate writing my novel…but I have figured out this morning that the reason I keep blogging on a regular basis is for those delicious, nourishing, life sustaining, beautifying comments that melt both in my mouth and in my hands!!!!

I don't know if you really got this, I may have been a little vague so let me reiterate:

ME LIKEY COMMENTs!!


I don’t know most of you guys personally, yet, but I love you guys! FYI: From my superior stalking skills, I am becoming very acquainted with a lot of you even though you don't realize it yet (but not in a creepy way...yet ;o)

You guys and gals rock my world more than anything else (at the present moment, anyways). I read every single one of your comments and often chuckle out loud and yell ‘oh no you didn’t’ at the computer screen with a full belly laugh HA HA HA…your comments entertain me and I love them deeply!

Like Midwestern Mamah's Response to yesterday's Dear Duane Post when she boldly told me that she thinks Praying Mantis' are so scary, she is putting them on her
'list of things that make her asshole pucker'
OMG! That comment made my asshole pucker...with laughter!

And how about Onreeone's comment on the same post...where she thinks I would be a natural Children's Book Writer...yep I can see it now, my first book for children ages 5-10 will be called  'F' is for Fuck followed by 'H' is for Herpes, but if you are reading this book then you really should of read 'C' is for Condom kids, cause now your 'F' as in Fucked! You are right Onreeone, I am a natural, I am the next Robert Munch! Gee Whiz!

Sara Swears A Lot, thinks that my life of staring at walls and procrastinating "is incredibly exciting" she also claims that I give her a lady boner from time to time...now that's hot!

Chara Lynn, is an officer of the law, who says that she can 'always count on me' to make her want to shoot at her computer

One Blonde Girl, claims that beer and cold medicine is the cure to get through the procrastination barrier!

Wow, thanks you guys for making me super sexy hot today!

Remember folks, only you can prevent my FUGLYNESS and if you ACT NOW, I will throw in more blog posts for you to read… absolutely free!!!!

And, if you comment till I get pretty enough to get laid, I will of course share it with you (the story, not the actual sex)…maybe…unless he’s a keeper…then, probably not…but isn’t that a great deal??? Hmmm???

I am so excited for tomorrow morning, when I get to unwrap your gloriously awesome comments and play with them all day long!

Oh and if you haven’t done so yet, and you think I am a freaky or funny blogger worthy of an award, please vote for me click here!

Thank you for your support!

Score after this round: I WIN! AND SO DO YOU!
Your Comments: 1
Sexy Trish: 1
Fugly Trish: 0



~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

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Dear Duane...Dude, Where’s My Day Gone? A Tale Of Murder, Heroism, Scaredy Cat-ism and Procrastination!

Dude, it’s getting worse!

Last night, I procrastinated going to bed till early in the morning, while staring at the wall and or ceiling in a Zombified fashion.  I then procrastinated getting out of bed till late in the afternoon.

Upon waking from my slumber of procrastination, I looked into my fridge for about 15 minutes to try to figure out how to make something edible out of a three day old boiled egg, 4 day old expired skim milk, a full bottle of French’s mustard, a wilty carrot and an empty Hershey’s chocolate milk bottle.

Nothing came to mind, so I closed the door to the fridge and looked behind me at the stack of dishes that I successfully procrastinated doing last night.

I looked at those dishes for a good 20 minutes trying to come up with ways to make them clean with ‘The Force of my awesome stare’  but no amount of will power or ‘crazy eyes’ would make them clean themselves.

(*Doing the high falsetto, Jerry Seinfeld Voice) and what’s the deal with my crazy eyes not working? I mean, they are crazy enough to make people move out of my way in a hurry when I look at them, but not the dishes? WHOOOO AAARE THEEESE DISHES? (end of JSV)

I decided to take another crack at the fridge, for I was certain, by some miracle, now that 20 minutes had passed, there would be more food in it than the last time I looked.

I surveyed the items again with more intensity, for maybe I somehow overlooked something, maybe I wasn’t really paying that much attention last time, after all, I had just woken up at the crack of 2 pm, I may have been still sleepy or maybe a huge eye booger was preventing me from seeing half of the fridge or something!

This time, I also opened the freezer just in case something yummy decided to sneak in there and hide but nope, not even a hint of freezer frost was left cause of my sudden burst of inspiration I had two nights ago (that had nothing to do with drinking two Red Bulls) where I finally made a decision to rid the freezer of frost chunks that were so big, they would make the ice bergs from Titanic jealous.

Dude, check out these Epic freezer frost chunks! That’s like 4 months of neglect right there! HA HA. Isn't it cool how it came off in one big chunk like that?? That's cause I used a freaking knife and a hammer but I forgot to unplug the fridge and got a fucking shock of a life time that hurt so bad I started to cry...but it was worth it, for my art you see! Lmfao note to self; always unplug stuff that needs electricity when jabbing them with metal objects!

I know you wish you thought to take pictures of your 4 month old freezer frost, but I beat you to it Muthafhuka!

Yes, I am aware that I am now making you look at pictures of my freezer frost *shrugs* I have nothing more exciting going on in my pathetic little thing I call a life, so take it up the ass with no lube and like it why don't you!

Now, back to my very very interesting story, that has you on the edge of your freaking seat....

So, I stared for a while more at the fridge, maybe a half hour I don’t know, I lost track of time… my eyes darting back and forth from fridge to sink, to the three bags of garbage that were just sitting there in such a lazy fashion…I mean, come on, it’s been a week already haven’t they grown legs and walked themselves to the garbage bin yet? That happens from time to time, doesn't it?

At this point, instead of feeling lazy and unaccomplished, I felt like I did a tremendous amount of work already, it was like I practically worked out for a whole hour already, with all that standing around and hunching to peer into the fridge...not to mention all those eye calisthenics, I was sure I burned at least 3000 calories!

I thought of a way to make all this stuff I didn't want to do disappear for a while, but that required me putting clothes on and actually leaving the house. So I went into my room and sat on the bed for a half hour thinking about what I should wear (not that it matters) but I got distracted by a huge jungle Mosquito that I somehow was able to grab from the air and Mame just enough to take these sadistic pics. After what happened on the day I wrote my Haiku Rants, I felt no mercy at all!

Click pictures for a more gruesome close up!

Ha Ha, how does it feel bitch? I tore off one of it's legs, it was still sort of alive, and I made it look at it ( I don't know if they can see or not but I like to think that will teach them all) Look at that huge thing that sucks out my blood! Seriously,
I get really dizzy from all the blood loss! They can take a pint out each time!

So after the big Mosquito photo op, I started to put those math skills they taught us in high school to good use, by figuring out the order of operations…ok, so underwear and bra are first then all other clothing go on afterwards got it …the order of operations are important (unless your Madonna circa 1991)

So,  while I stared at a wall in a zombie like trance, I thought to myself and the voices in my head, Why do we need clothes anyways, ugh this is such a rash! First,  we have to reach all the way up there to the hanger and get the pants off of it and then put said empty hanger back on the hanger thingy and then find the right underwear and OMG there’s a Praying Mantis on the fucking wall!!! It’s going to eat my brains out…I had better take a picture so the cops will know who the real killer is…evidence is good!

 Ha, he knew he was an accomplice in the killing of that Mosquito and

here he was saying NO pictures please!

So, I don’t know what it is about Praying Mantis’s but they aren’t friendly or Buddha like, they just freak me out, I mean look at this thing, it knows that I was there, it has brains I tell you and they are probably bigger than mine... it totally decided to pose for this impromptu shoot!

 It certainly has no manners as it  totally was not invited in my house and it just made itself comfy on my bamboo walls and then decided to ‘pray’ all over my brand new fan!

 Oh yeah, then he decided to make my brand new fan his monkey bars and play ground for a while, it looked like fun and if I were him I totally would of done it too, I had to save his life by turning the fan off though!!

I finally gathered enough courage to capture him and set him free, I just can’t kill something that prays that much you know? Plus I had already done my quota of killing for the day!

Then, my bladder finally decided that enough is enough, I couldn’t procrastinate my morning pee any longer…I figured since I already had to get up to go pee, I might as well dress myself after I was done. Two birds with one stone kind of thinking! * wink wink*

After staring in the mirror for about a half an hour looking at grey hairs and imaginary wrinkles and pudgy parts that I never usually pay attention to cause I don’t dare look in the mirror when the sun is beaming in …as the reality of seeing my body in harsh day light, might just turn me to dust like the vampires in all those movies, I finally put some clothes on and rode my motorbike to a local restaurant.

But on the way to the restaurant, I came across an angry freaking bull in the jungle. Seriously, this thing was like stomping and swishing it’s tail and totally started chasing me down, HE WAS SO ANGRY!  I think he had Mad Bull's Disease!

I was freaking out cause you can only ride a motorbike so fast through the sandy, dead palm tree ridden path of the jungles!!!!  Maybe the red halter top I was wearing pissed him off? I screamed and tried to carefully high tail it out of there while snapping more photos for the cops for evidence of my potential murderer!

He may look cute but I assure you this Bull was PISSED OFF!

Maybe that Mosquito was his friend?

Peww, I finally made it to the restaurant and had my first meal of the day at 5pm.  Somehow, the food made itself and when I was finished eating it, the dishes disappeared…I knew my crazy eyes would work someday…now when will they start working at home?

When I finally got home, I dare not enter the kitchen for the force field is strong in there (so is the garbage smell) and I could easily lose another hour or two pondering how to get things done that I didn’t want to do.

So, I thought about writing a post to you seeing as I have procrastinated that for three days now even though I have thought about it constantly for the whole time.  I opened up my blog and was fully ready but then I saw that one of my favourite Bloggy friends wrote a post and I had to read it and then think about commenting but not bother and then read 25 more of my favourite blogs and think about how I should comment on them too…but thought, nah, I will comment tomorrow, cause I am not in the mood to be social today and I have nothing interesting to say anyways, plus, writing comments = work and we all know what I like to do when work appears!!!

I thought about writing a chapter in the novel I am writing but when I sat down to do that, this blog entry you are reading right now decided it needed to be written. I have a sneaking suspicion the only reason I even started a blog was so that I would have a valid excuse at procrastinating writing my novel! HA, Damn I am good at fooling myself!

Now, it’s 3am and I am again procrastinating sleep (even though I actually have to be up early in the morning cause Trisha has a jobby to do tomorrow…daddy would you like some s-a-u-s-a-g-e-s??? Clipity clop, look at my hoooves, my hooves) so that I can procrastinate waking up…and the cycle of procrastination will start all over again…gosh, who would of thought that procrastinating would be such a hard job?

So dude, if you think that I have an easy life on this little slab of paradise, I say think again also I say Neigh cause I’m a little ponny, clipity clop… clipity clop…I’m such a pretty poonnny clipity clop all day!!!
My day is full of hard work, maybe not physical but mentally challenging for sure!

TO BE CONTINUED.... cause I gotta lay in bed and pretend to fall asleep now!
Miss you lots
Ciao for now cow cow
Love, Trishititis Megablockasauras!

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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