Dear Duane...Dude, Where’s My Day Gone? A Tale Of Murder, Heroism, Scaredy Cat-ism and Procrastination!

Dude, it’s getting worse!

Last night, I procrastinated going to bed till early in the morning, while staring at the wall and or ceiling in a Zombified fashion.  I then procrastinated getting out of bed till late in the afternoon.

Upon waking from my slumber of procrastination, I looked into my fridge for about 15 minutes to try to figure out how to make something edible out of a three day old boiled egg, 4 day old expired skim milk, a full bottle of French’s mustard, a wilty carrot and an empty Hershey’s chocolate milk bottle.

Nothing came to mind, so I closed the door to the fridge and looked behind me at the stack of dishes that I successfully procrastinated doing last night.

I looked at those dishes for a good 20 minutes trying to come up with ways to make them clean with ‘The Force of my awesome stare’  but no amount of will power or ‘crazy eyes’ would make them clean themselves.

(*Doing the high falsetto, Jerry Seinfeld Voice) and what’s the deal with my crazy eyes not working? I mean, they are crazy enough to make people move out of my way in a hurry when I look at them, but not the dishes? WHOOOO AAARE THEEESE DISHES? (end of JSV)

I decided to take another crack at the fridge, for I was certain, by some miracle, now that 20 minutes had passed, there would be more food in it than the last time I looked.

I surveyed the items again with more intensity, for maybe I somehow overlooked something, maybe I wasn’t really paying that much attention last time, after all, I had just woken up at the crack of 2 pm, I may have been still sleepy or maybe a huge eye booger was preventing me from seeing half of the fridge or something!

This time, I also opened the freezer just in case something yummy decided to sneak in there and hide but nope, not even a hint of freezer frost was left cause of my sudden burst of inspiration I had two nights ago (that had nothing to do with drinking two Red Bulls) where I finally made a decision to rid the freezer of frost chunks that were so big, they would make the ice bergs from Titanic jealous.

Dude, check out these Epic freezer frost chunks! That’s like 4 months of neglect right there! HA HA. Isn't it cool how it came off in one big chunk like that?? That's cause I used a freaking knife and a hammer but I forgot to unplug the fridge and got a fucking shock of a life time that hurt so bad I started to cry...but it was worth it, for my art you see! Lmfao note to self; always unplug stuff that needs electricity when jabbing them with metal objects!

I know you wish you thought to take pictures of your 4 month old freezer frost, but I beat you to it Muthafhuka!

Yes, I am aware that I am now making you look at pictures of my freezer frost *shrugs* I have nothing more exciting going on in my pathetic little thing I call a life, so take it up the ass with no lube and like it why don't you!

Now, back to my very very interesting story, that has you on the edge of your freaking seat....

So, I stared for a while more at the fridge, maybe a half hour I don’t know, I lost track of time… my eyes darting back and forth from fridge to sink, to the three bags of garbage that were just sitting there in such a lazy fashion…I mean, come on, it’s been a week already haven’t they grown legs and walked themselves to the garbage bin yet? That happens from time to time, doesn't it?

At this point, instead of feeling lazy and unaccomplished, I felt like I did a tremendous amount of work already, it was like I practically worked out for a whole hour already, with all that standing around and hunching to peer into the fridge...not to mention all those eye calisthenics, I was sure I burned at least 3000 calories!

I thought of a way to make all this stuff I didn't want to do disappear for a while, but that required me putting clothes on and actually leaving the house. So I went into my room and sat on the bed for a half hour thinking about what I should wear (not that it matters) but I got distracted by a huge jungle Mosquito that I somehow was able to grab from the air and Mame just enough to take these sadistic pics. After what happened on the day I wrote my Haiku Rants, I felt no mercy at all!

Click pictures for a more gruesome close up!

Ha Ha, how does it feel bitch? I tore off one of it's legs, it was still sort of alive, and I made it look at it ( I don't know if they can see or not but I like to think that will teach them all) Look at that huge thing that sucks out my blood! Seriously,
I get really dizzy from all the blood loss! They can take a pint out each time!

So after the big Mosquito photo op, I started to put those math skills they taught us in high school to good use, by figuring out the order of operations…ok, so underwear and bra are first then all other clothing go on afterwards got it …the order of operations are important (unless your Madonna circa 1991)

So,  while I stared at a wall in a zombie like trance, I thought to myself and the voices in my head, Why do we need clothes anyways, ugh this is such a rash! First,  we have to reach all the way up there to the hanger and get the pants off of it and then put said empty hanger back on the hanger thingy and then find the right underwear and OMG there’s a Praying Mantis on the fucking wall!!! It’s going to eat my brains out…I had better take a picture so the cops will know who the real killer is…evidence is good!

 Ha, he knew he was an accomplice in the killing of that Mosquito and

here he was saying NO pictures please!

So, I don’t know what it is about Praying Mantis’s but they aren’t friendly or Buddha like, they just freak me out, I mean look at this thing, it knows that I was there, it has brains I tell you and they are probably bigger than mine... it totally decided to pose for this impromptu shoot!

 It certainly has no manners as it  totally was not invited in my house and it just made itself comfy on my bamboo walls and then decided to ‘pray’ all over my brand new fan!

 Oh yeah, then he decided to make my brand new fan his monkey bars and play ground for a while, it looked like fun and if I were him I totally would of done it too, I had to save his life by turning the fan off though!!

I finally gathered enough courage to capture him and set him free, I just can’t kill something that prays that much you know? Plus I had already done my quota of killing for the day!

Then, my bladder finally decided that enough is enough, I couldn’t procrastinate my morning pee any longer…I figured since I already had to get up to go pee, I might as well dress myself after I was done. Two birds with one stone kind of thinking! * wink wink*

After staring in the mirror for about a half an hour looking at grey hairs and imaginary wrinkles and pudgy parts that I never usually pay attention to cause I don’t dare look in the mirror when the sun is beaming in …as the reality of seeing my body in harsh day light, might just turn me to dust like the vampires in all those movies, I finally put some clothes on and rode my motorbike to a local restaurant.

But on the way to the restaurant, I came across an angry freaking bull in the jungle. Seriously, this thing was like stomping and swishing it’s tail and totally started chasing me down, HE WAS SO ANGRY!  I think he had Mad Bull's Disease!

I was freaking out cause you can only ride a motorbike so fast through the sandy, dead palm tree ridden path of the jungles!!!!  Maybe the red halter top I was wearing pissed him off? I screamed and tried to carefully high tail it out of there while snapping more photos for the cops for evidence of my potential murderer!

He may look cute but I assure you this Bull was PISSED OFF!

Maybe that Mosquito was his friend?

Peww, I finally made it to the restaurant and had my first meal of the day at 5pm.  Somehow, the food made itself and when I was finished eating it, the dishes disappeared…I knew my crazy eyes would work someday…now when will they start working at home?

When I finally got home, I dare not enter the kitchen for the force field is strong in there (so is the garbage smell) and I could easily lose another hour or two pondering how to get things done that I didn’t want to do.

So, I thought about writing a post to you seeing as I have procrastinated that for three days now even though I have thought about it constantly for the whole time.  I opened up my blog and was fully ready but then I saw that one of my favourite Bloggy friends wrote a post and I had to read it and then think about commenting but not bother and then read 25 more of my favourite blogs and think about how I should comment on them too…but thought, nah, I will comment tomorrow, cause I am not in the mood to be social today and I have nothing interesting to say anyways, plus, writing comments = work and we all know what I like to do when work appears!!!

I thought about writing a chapter in the novel I am writing but when I sat down to do that, this blog entry you are reading right now decided it needed to be written. I have a sneaking suspicion the only reason I even started a blog was so that I would have a valid excuse at procrastinating writing my novel! HA, Damn I am good at fooling myself!

Now, it’s 3am and I am again procrastinating sleep (even though I actually have to be up early in the morning cause Trisha has a jobby to do tomorrow…daddy would you like some s-a-u-s-a-g-e-s??? Clipity clop, look at my hoooves, my hooves) so that I can procrastinate waking up…and the cycle of procrastination will start all over again…gosh, who would of thought that procrastinating would be such a hard job?

So dude, if you think that I have an easy life on this little slab of paradise, I say think again also I say Neigh cause I’m a little ponny, clipity clop… clipity clop…I’m such a pretty poonnny clipity clop all day!!!
My day is full of hard work, maybe not physical but mentally challenging for sure!

TO BE CONTINUED.... cause I gotta lay in bed and pretend to fall asleep now!
Miss you lots
Ciao for now cow cow
Love, Trishititis Megablockasauras!

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Vegetarian or Killer of Vegetables?

Hi, my name is Patricia and I am a Vegetable Hating Vegetarian.

I just get so happy when I torture and eventually kill vegetables by refusing to eat them. I mean, look at the picture below don’t I look happy?



Every single time I go grocery shopping, I have a compulsion to buy vegetables I hate, because I think that I should be putting this "healthy stuff" in my diet. Instead, it turns into a sadistic ritual of hunting, gathering and then enslaving these veggies in my refrigerator crisper until they eventually melt into some sort of thick vegetable soup at the bottom of the drawer.

Now, I am a very miserly person so, in theory, that should make me want to eat the veggies before they go bad. I finally acknowledged I had a problem about 2 weeks ago, when I somehow convinced myself, yet again, to buy another bag of lettuce that I knew I wouldn’t eat.



In the first couple of days, I heard  some enthusiastic sales pitches, coming from the crisper.  ‘Hey, look at how crisp and green I am! Don’t you want to eat me before I start to wilt?’ ‘Hey there! Look at how sexy my leaves are, don’t you want to put them in your mouth?’

Now, I like to give my fresh veggies hope, so in the beginning, my reply would always be ‘maybe tomorrow, right now, it’s too much trouble’ and I would slam the drawer shut,  feeling guilty for being wasteful when there are starving people somewhere in the world, covered in horrific clothing from The Gap.

About a week later, the lettuce was starting to get panicked. When I opened the door,  I heard him cry from the crisper “Don’t waste me, please master, let me fulfill my destiny of being eaten so I can evolve in the next life”.

The carrot finally spilled the beans when he said in his deep husky carrot voice “your wasting your breath lettuce! Don’t you know she takes pleasure in letting you rot? I mean look at me, I have been here for a month, I have some sort of blue fuzzy herpes thing growing on my body and strange white twigs growing off of my entire being and she still doesn’t get rid of me! “



“ But if you think I have it bad, look at that poor bastard on the other side of the crisper, rocking back and forth,  now he’s been through some tough shit! You know how he got that bruised head? “



“She beat him! “

“That’s right, he pleaded with her to let him out and she jammed his head in the crisper door and left him there over night. He just hasn’t been the same ever since. It’s like that beating broke his brain and now all he does is just lay there drooling.



“And unless you want to suffer the same fate, I suggest you shut your leafy mouth up!”

I didn’t hear a peep out of the crisper drawer for at least a week. Then this evening, I took a peek to see what was going on in there and they all started to yell at me, they couldn’t take it anymore. I gave some of the vegetables (and one fruit) some hope when I took them out of their clear coffin.

  

Only to sadistically destroy all their hopes when they realized I was just teasing them and using their rotting corpses for a sick little photoshoot, for your viewing pleasure.



After the impromptu photoshoot, I wondered, “Hmmm, whatever shall I do with you guys?”



I took pity on the Dragon fruit and threw him off my balcony to be one with the jungles in Thailand where I currently live. His destiny will be fulfilled tomorrow when the chickens eat him.

“As for the rest of you, if i throw you out now, I will have to take off your packaging to throw you into the jungle and that would require me to touch your gross parts. Sure, I could throw you in the garbage bin but it’s hot and you will rot and stink up my kitchen until the garbage man comes. So, back you go, into your crisper of death, until I remember to check on you again.

Nighty night, just remember, mama loves you!

~ I surrender to The Writing Womb ~.
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