Showing posts with label thailand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thailand. Show all posts

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Holy Craparoni! A Butterfly Raped My Finger!

7 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
Hey bloggy friends! I am sorry for being such a slacker in my postings here at The Writing Womb but cut me some cheese errr...I mean slack.

The weather is amazing here in Thailand and considering the monsoon season has just been unexpectedly put on pause for the last week or so, I have been taking some time for me to do fun things like this;



and this;



and this;









So, as you can see, I am terribly busy right now with my schedule chalked full of all these tiring and not fun at all events *sarcasm intended* that leave me no time to remember things like what day it is or better yet, what month it is...all this sunshine has depleted my last remaining brain cells and I am uber forgetful these days. 

I will make some cartoons this weekend and find 2 healthy brain cells in this noggin' of mine to help me create something entertaining for your hungry eyes for Monday's post.


Oh, but for now, here is a slightly interesting story I wanted to share with you.

See, I was talking to a friend today and during our conversation, I pointed my finger at her and a butterfly landed right on my index finger. 

After I got over the awe I felt of how special I was that a butterfly chose to land directly on my finger, I started to feel a little violated when I saw him pumping away at my appendage like it was it's very own sex doll or something...what the hell butterfly? Stick with your own kind! I don't mean to be racist against butterflies or anything but really, he didn't even bother to use protection or lubricant and um maybe next time a little foreplay? I know I have a very attractive finger but what the hell am I a 1950's house wife? ( I just assume that all 1950's housewives never got any foreplay, I don't know why I think that, I just figure women who drink that much and require that many barbituates probably weren't getting any foreplay).

Anyways, at first, I felt so dirty...but then I remembered... this was the most action I have seen in a LONG time, so I shouldn't complain *smiley finger*

BEST FINGER RAPING EVER! Thanks Mr. Butterfly for making my day a special one...brings a whole new meaning to 'smell my finger' that's for sure.

Time to get to bed so I can wake up early and get back to my hectic life of beach bumming and snorkeling.

Loving all your comments and emails! Thanks for caring enough to write them...now smell my finger, it smells all rape-y! Isn't that special?
Smoochies
Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Al Pacino Ate My Homework

11 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
Dear totally awesome readers and dare I say, Fans? Not the kind of fans that keep you cool on a hot summer's day but the kind that adore the words and cartoons I write...there aren't many of you, I know,...but I get your hate love emails from time to time.

The biggest question in your sexy grey matter seems to be, Hey, what the fuck? Don't you care to write anymore? Why aren't you entertaining us more often? Are you too good for us now? Did Al Pacino eat your blog posts or did you in fact lose your fingers in some sort of freak firecracker incident that is preventing you from posting cause you now have nubs for fingers cause you didn't heed the warning from Smokey the Bear that says only 'you' can prevent firecracker fingers?

Well, I am pleased to say, I don't have stumps for fingers, although they are short and stubby but that has to do with my genetics and not due to the misuse of dangerous explosives.

Ok, so yes, I have totally wanted to write more often and create more comics and stuff  and I do realize I have been neglecting this blog and all of my bloggy friends, but the summer has been chalked full of fun and work, work and more work.

I wake up at 6:30 every morning and don't get back home until 8 at night as I have recently gotten back into teaching yoga classes every day, giving Thai massages and also helping out with administration and registration at a nearby yoga school. When I get home, in order to make some food, I still have to battle it out in the kitchen with the gigantic jungle Cockroaches that have somehow doubled in size during this monsoon season and have become pretty bad-assed! Last night, one of them did remind me of Al Pacino from Scarface, and I was all say hello to my little friend you disgusting Cock A Roch! The rest of my evening usually consists of showering, tidying up and thinking about how I am too tired to even masturbate, before I drift off to sleep. Life has been hectic and busy but I am loving it!



So I decided to sit down and create an intention for this blog and routine that I can stick to, as blogging helps to keep me sane and grounded, and of course, your comments keep the fuglies away and make me all sparkly and beautiful and I miss you guys too much!

Starting this Thursday, I will be posting regularly every Monday and Thursday each week. With more fun cartoons and twisted stories to titilate you to your very core (ha ha I said (highlighted).

My blog also told me that it needed some cosmetic surgery so, I gave it a nose job, a breast lift and a couple of ass implants...oh yeah,  you can bounce quarters off of that ass now....it's tight son!

Once the bandages come off, I may have to tweak it a bit more here and there but what you see now is likely the new look from now on. Hope you like it ;o) If you think of any other surgeries it might need, let me know

Oh and I would also like to give a shout out to all of you beastiality fans out there...umm seriously?  I got more than 45,000 hits on the Dog Beastiality and Google Tourette's Syndrome post I wrote a while back....Imma make Mommy proud for sure with that one! I thought the Unfortunate Blow Job Incident post was popular at 500 hits...lol well, as you know, I don't descriminate, so welcome all you beastiality and beast curious fans! Who knew there were so many of you out there? Guess I found my Niche?

Also, thank you to everyone who has voted for me on the bloggers choice awards. You still have time to voice your opinion and support this blog as either best humor blog, freakiest blogger or best entertainment blog.
Click here to cast your vote



Talk to you all on Thursday's blog post :o) If you want to comment on any of my posts or share them,  from now on, go to the top of the blog post to voice your own twisted point of view! The more twisted the better...I love reading them!

The Score After this post

Patricia ~The Naked Writer : 1
Al Pacino Cock a roch : 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Friday, August 13, 2010

Birthday Blog Bloodbath (say that 3 times fast I dare you!)

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Today is my birthday and the universe made sure that I took notice by rubbing my nose in the fact that I am getting older, every which way I turned.

Click on any picture to enlarge.


That's not a very nice sign, Universe!



Um, ok...throw it in my face why don't you?
Fatty McFatfat is getting older and plumper, I get it!



Hey now!  No one is supposed to know that!


?



Yep, I actually saw 32 coming down the road to meet me and they didn't look friendly at all!



Oh no! When 32 meets 31, it's on...they are ready to rumble.


OH 32 is a dangerous, vicious age...31 stands no chance against these Barbaric Birthday numbers


Aghh! In a matter of moments, 31 is reduced to mangled roadkill...and 32 carries on to their birthday party as planned, right on schedule



Mangled and broken, age 31 must make it's own way to the funeral home


Poor little 31





Age 31 you will be missed, you sure were a fun year to hang with

I will be sending my 32 to Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Boot camp...so when it comes time to rumble next year with 33, 32 will win and live forever!
MUAAHHHAAAHHAAA 
*evil laugh CD disc 1 track 3*

No one sent me a card this year or maybe they did but I won't find out for 6-8 weeks because of the uber efficient *italics = sarcasm*  postal services offered here in Asia...so instead of getting bummed out, I decided to create a card for myself and share it with you guys.

 

 

Want to buy me a birthday drink / present but can't make the trip to Thailand? Send me a drink / present  via paypal :o) Click HERE

Want to send me a present but have no money to do so? Then vote for me as best humour blog or freakiest blogger on the Internet click HERE 

Regular postings will resume after summer is over...miss you guys and thanks for the wonderful emails I have received over the last month! You guys are too funny! Can't wait to fill you in with all the details of my summer vacation xo
Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Thursday, July 08, 2010

Dear Duane…Thailand Is The Tits! *UPDATED*

19 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
 *My computer crashed last night so I wasn't able to post this blog in its entirety...here is the full blog with added pics for your viewing pleasure ;o)*

Dude!

I have totally neglected to tell you all about Thailand and what’s been going on here....also this really cool site called Blog-trotting has chosen to feature my blog on their site and they want to know a little about what life is like in Thailand. Blog-Trotting features various blogs from all over the world to see what life is like in that neck of the woods...also you get to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side (usually it is). I  love this blog, there's never a dull moment on it that's for sure... check it out here www.blog-trotting.com/ 

I took this picture outside my bungalow last year...breathtaking isn't it? 

I think you already know that I came to Thailand in 2009 for that 6 month yoga teacher training course…it was awesome! I graduated and got certified like I had planned and I learned so much from the school.

There are so many amazing yoga schools, mediation centers, Buddhist monasteries, temples and incredible detox programs on this island...it's a very spiritual place. Really, this island has a perfect blend of Yin and Yang as one side of the island is home to the famous Full moon parties where people from all over the world come to party like rock stars each month for three full days and nights during the full moon on the beaches of Haad Rin (about 10 kms from where I currently live) and on the other side of the island, where I am living...nothing but healthy, quiet living filled with Reiki treatments, herbal Saunas, rebirthing sessions, crystal bowl healing's, and alternative lifestyle work shops...the best of both worlds only 15 km's apart. So I can party hard on the weekend and detox it all away on Monday ;o)


Yoga class on the island

Me doing a yoga pose at a secret waterfall (there hasn't been much rain so it's not as 'waterfally' as it should be.

I did go back home to Vancouver Island for a few months but couldn’t get back into the ‘Western’ way of life…didn’t re-open my yoga studios or even want to be bothered with that part of my life anymore…so in December I had no choice but to move to this amazing tropical paradise that I fell in love with…I don’t know when I will be returning home. Frankly, it’s difficult to imagine ever returning home.

A Buddha statue in a temple

Jade  Buddha in Chaing Mai

Me in front of a temple in Chaing Mai

King's Birthday celebrations


The scene outside the temple doors



Golden Buddha


Buddha Statue on Koh Tao

See, life in Thailand is a thing of beauty and ease...’Sabai, Sabai’ the locals always say (meaning something similar to take it easy, relax). ‘Sabai sabai is always followed with the English phrase ‘slowly slowly...I don’t know why Thai people have to repeat all of their phrases but it works! I guess the repetition is finally sinking in…cause little by little, I am learning to live ‘slowly slowly’. 

Me meditating at monastery on Koh Phangan 

Swinging away on Coconut Beach, one of the many beautiful beaches to chill out on here.

Days of relaxing in my hammock staring out into the jungle where I live, is what I call a ‘productive day’ for me now and I feel happy to just ‘BE’ without doing much of anything…just breathing is enough and witnessing and being in wonder of the beauty that I am surrounded by ever single day.

Elephant Trek a few miles from my house

This place looks like something out of that movie 'The Beach' and rightfully so, seeing as that movie was filmed on an island not too far away called Koh Phi Phi (he he pee pee) which is equally as beautiful as Koh Phangan but not as developed...like if Koh Phangan were a woman she would be a double D cup and Koh Phi Phi would be like a an A cup (developmentally speaking) which is nice if you want to escape and not have to deal with construction (Jerry Seinfeld voice; and what's the deal with me using boob size as a way to describe the development of an island?? Who are these islands??? end of JSV)

Fragrant pink Hibiscus blossoms, azure skies and picture perfect panoramic views of the teal blue Ocean, delight my senses on this little slab of paradise that I get to relax on. 


The most perfect Hibiscus flower right outside the yoga hall

This idyllic, intimate, island of Koh Phangan, which is located 800 km's south of Bangkok, constantly encourages me to escape my everyday cares with its lush scenic tropical beauty, perfect white sandy beaches and amazing weather…you know how I hate the cold? Yeah, that is NEVER a problem here…way to escape 2 Canadian winters now…I feel like I have cheated on winter only it doesn't even know…Ha Ha…I am so very very sneaky!

My favourite beach 'Pirate Beach' 5 minutes from my house, nobody is ever there and perfect sand and water!

I didn’t come here for the yoga this time around. I came here for this amazing house I found deep in the jungle away from everyone and everything, so I could relax and realize my dreams of writing that book I was always trying to write back in Toronto.

My little secluded house in the jungle

I have been here 7 months now and I must confess, the book writing isn’t going so well. Granted, I have been writing a lot…for a magazine here and comedy sketches and of course, this blog…but I find to sit and go through the arduous process of writing a novel is not as much fun as I thought it would be. It isn't a romantic process at all and it is really frigging boring and also,   I am not motivated to do much of anything, except read the works of others who have undergone the arduous journey of writing a novel, snorkeling, swinging on the hammock, long lunches and dinners with awesome friends, jungle treks to hidden waterfalls, cartooning, long luxurious $6 Thai Massages, Yogi potlucks, sunbathing on those perfect (and never crowded) beaches, playing my classical guitar ( I am getting really good at it now) and of course, a little yoga and meditating to the songs of the jungle critters.

The funniest bathroom signs I have ever seen on a Visa run to Burma. Conch or Banana? I stood there for a moment dumbfounded and had to think about it for a while! (don't worry, I figured it out)

I have a freedom as I have never had before. I learned to ride a motorbike, I learned to dive, I learned how to make cartoons on my computer, how to boil an egg (finally), bare my soul and speak my truth to complete strangers (while looking them directly in the eye without flinching and never saying sorry for what I said) and I learned how to live a Tantric yogic lifestyle where there are no rules just to live and to find gratitude and love for each moment…to be fully alive, present and aware in all that I do.

This is how I learned to ride a motorbike...isn't that special? Also, wasn't it smart of me to take a picture BEFORE cleaning the wound?? I thought so too! 

Hundreds of Butterfly’s twitter away just to the right of me as I write this…it’s like I live in a Butterfly sanctuary or something and I tell you man, it’s amazing, like my very own magical wonderland and I am left wide eyed and teary with bliss and gratitude when I remember to stop and appreciate it.

I wish you could be here to experience it with me…even you, who burns in cloudy weather, would still LOVE it here!

It sounds corny, I know, but the truth is I have never been happier in my life as I am right now. I feel free to be me and experiment with healthy lifestyle choices…the ability to be ‘real’ and ‘authentic’ to be true to myself for once in my life and shed my 'Western' masks of who I 'should' be and what I 'should' do and how I 'should' behave...there's no need to pretend here and it's fucking awesome to have such freedom in your own skin.

Living here isn’t without it’s share of problems though…there is political unrest in Bangkok and has been for a while which is scary…a few months ago, it was full on and I really thought there might be a war, with all the blood shed and turmoil…but things have cooled off for the time being.

Hair loss is a big thing for me...my hair is down to my waist now but with all this heat, handfuls of it come out each day…it was like my body knew something wasn’t right…and I have been shedding like a dog…thank god I have a lot of it or I would be bald by now! Although now that it is summer here the situation seems to have cured itself.

Beware of ginormous hairy 'dust bunnies'  isn't that huge? That's like a week of not sweeping...for real real dude!

Seeing as I am living deep in the jungle, that means unwelcome guests into my house…Geckos, hungry mosquitoes, giant spiders that probably feed on small children, termites, ants, poisonous snakes, boa constrictors, huge lizards, and the worst…the  ‘gross’ giant cockroaches …remember how I couldn’t sleep for 2 days cause I saw that tiny little cockroach on the wall when we lived at that nasty ghetto apartment on Jane and Finch in Toronto? Yeah well, these ‘GIANT JUNGLE COCKROACHES' are bigger than my hand! It’s true!!! oh and did I mention that they fly? Yeah they totally do that too buddy! I totally get the heebie Jeebie's (yep I used that phrase...totally appropriate and the only way to describe the level of grossness I feel when I come into contact with them) ....YUCK...I don't know if i will ever get used to them!

My new Spider Man just outside my house eekkk!


Gecko's the size of Dinosaurs living in my kitchen, but when they hold 'hand's' they are too cute! Aww little love lizards!


Cute little Gecko that I don't mind having as a pet

Huge weird flying Beatles that seemingly have no purpose in life except to piss all over my towels that are drying and then fall to the ground on their backs and buzz annoyingly till they die!

2 or 3 times a year, 100's of millions of flying ants come out of the jungle  and get into everything...eww!  This leaves for a ridiculous clean up the next day as they all huddle together in the world's largest Orgy that I then have to sweep up and then wash the bug guts off my porch...oh Joy!

The worlds largest ant Orgy, on my porch, the morning after...each leaf looking thing is actually a flying ant! It takes some muscle to move all of those carcasses...

 
Creepiest turkey I have ever seen...nobody wants to eat this angry monster...not even you, oh lover of meat! He walks around like he has a serious case of 'The Downs'

The Bull vs Dog fights help keep the jungle life an entertaining one


The cutest spider I have ever seen...he lives in my bathroom. And yes, spiders are cute in comparison to gross cockroaches!

See, this is not cute! The first cockroach I ever saw...I named him George (he he inside joke) he is the smallest one I have ever seen here!

The Cockroaches freak me out so much! They only come out at night and they are always into everything in my kitchen...I just leave everything in the fridge but they somehow find a way in there too..GRRRR! Remember that movie Joe's Apartment? Yeah, this is worse than that and not for having a dirty place either...it's like these cockroaches are on steroids and can bench press 150lbs without breaking a sweat....(using a heavy Italian accent) now that's a cock-a-roch!!

But I must admit, having all these nasty Cockroaches running around in my kitchen is the best thing for dieting! I have lost a lot of weight recently as  I no longer go into my kitchen after 6pm…problem solved!  Say goodbye to late night snacking! Hello Nurse! lol Still they are so disgusting and make me so frigging angry…here’s a cartoon I drew to illustrate my cockroach anger!

When they startle me, I want to stab them

Better yet, it would be safer for me if I shot them...no risk of them crawling on me then *shudders

Me love you long time
Love Trish-Cock-Roach-Killer-itis...Te he he he I said...(highlighted)


FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

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