Dear Duane…Rob Pattinson From Twilight Has Down Syndrome...For Serious!!!

Dude, whenever I see pictures of that Ass Clown, Rob Pattinson (you know that whiny, Vampire Douche they call Edward, from that brutal fucking vampire movie that everyone has been hypnotized to love?)
I think…
“Oh my God, since when is Down Syndrome considered hot?”

Seriously, this man looks like he has all the major kinds of Down Syndrome and he looks suspiciously like that Himalayan cat (Gizmo) that I used to own. Remember how she had no voice box and sounded like she was throwing up a fur ball whenever she tried to ‘speak’? This is exactly what Rob Pattinson sounds like when he sings… only my cat would enunciate her ‘words’ better.

(Using the Jerry Seinfeld Voice) 

And what's the deal with this guy? He isn't Rob Pattison, but he could of been, if only his Mommy worked for a Modelling Agency! Who are these people? (end of JSV)

Everywhere I go, I feel like I am being brain washed into believing that this ‘Corky from Life Goes On’ look a like is HOT and Sexy! ARRRR! (Wrong answer!)
This is insane and needs to stop immediately!!

Corky from Life Goes On

UGHH! Seriously, Rob could be Arnie from Gilbert Grape, all growed up...

This here is Leo DiCaprio as Arnie in What's Eating Gilbert Grape

And this here is Rob Pattinson, the resemblance is uncanny!

I can hear him now "Heeeyy Gilbert, I made Vampire Doo Doo Gilbert...AAH AAHHAHAH!"

If Mattel ever wanted to make an Edward doll, all they would have to do is, take a Troll doll, give it some Heroin so it’s all emaciated and shit, add an extra chromosome or two and voila, perfect replica, every time!

If South Park decided to dedicate an episode to him, they wouldn’t have to do much, put him in a wheel chair and he could easily play Timmy, just with darker hair.  Look closely at the second installment of that Twilight movie and you will see when Edward and the wolf guy fight, they look just like Timmy and Jimmy in a cripple fight, only a little more bad ass! (but not by much)

 CRIPPLE FIGHT! South Park's Timmy and Jimmy or is it Twilight's Edward and Jacob??

Only if your Mommy works at a prominent modelling agency can you have this level of retardation and get to be a Calvin Klein Model!!

Really? Really Calvin Klein??? For Serious? UGHHH!

I read an interview he had with Ellen DeGeneres and it said something like he used to be a model but then once he became a certain age he couldn’t model anymore cause he just got “too manly looking”

Ummm…too manly??? No, there must be some mistake there...who the fuck said you are too ‘manly’ looking Mr. Pattinson? I think you were jumping to your own conclusion there, unless by manly, you mean Rocky Dennis’ face from ‘Mask’ meets ‘Sloth’ that freak from 'The Goonies' movie… then sure, that’s manly…in a completely Bizarro kind of way.

Sloth from 'The Goonies'

 +

Rocky Dennis from The 'Mask'

  =

Rob Pattinson from 'The Twilight'???

There is nothing manly about this guy…he has no chest hair, and every time he has to kiss a girl he cries like some little bitch, apparently that is what it takes to be a man these days;

I know I personally love it when my men openly weep into my mouth when they kiss me…nothing says sexy like french kissing some snot and tears, yum! This shit is giving me a serious case of GTS!!! So don't blame me, it's my Google Tourette's acting up again!

Boy, when did Vampires get all EMO-Y? Whatever happened to bad assed Vampires like Blade, Keifer Sutherland in Lost Boys, and Pee Wee Herman in Buffy?

What the fuck does every pre-pubescent girl and mid life crisis woman see in this Mongoloid? I don't get it, and I will never know!

Robert Pattinson, David Schwimmer, Ryan Reynolds and the lead singer from Cold Play, should all get together and form a club called

'The Secret Down Syndrome's Society' (SDSS for short)!

Remember the Transformers commercials slogan? :

 ‘Transformers…robots in disguise’

Well,  the SDSS slogan could be just like that only:

‘Bad actors…retards in disguise’

I decided to look up Down Syndrome on Wikipedia and here’s what it had to say:  

"The extra chromosome 21 material that causes Down syndrome may be due to a Robertsonian translocation (ROB) in the karyotype of one of the parents. In this case, the long arm of chromosome 21 is attached to another chromosome, often chromosome 14”

UMMMM, ROBERTSONIAN, (ROB)…coincidence? I think not! This is all the proof I need! I didn't make that up either....take a look yourself, the link is in the name.

 

Take a look at the behind the scenes on Twilight, when Edward plays that terrible actress his lullaby song on the piano…you see, Pattinson is actually playing chopsticks, quite badly and drool keeps coming out of his mouth cause they are dangling candy above his head as an incentive to keep up the good work…

then Kristen what’s her face has to move from the couch she is sitting on and sit beside him on the piano bench in order to discretely wipe the retard spit off his chin before each take…and pat him on his head and scratch his belly while giving him lumps of sugar that she keeps in her pocket to keep 'EDWARD HAPPY'
It’s a hilarious behind the scenes look that makes this movie so much funner to watch.

Seriously, watch this movie as it really is…Edward is like Doofy from Scream only he doesn't know it...doesn’t this movie make a hell of a lot more sense now? This is the funniest movie I have seen in a long time because of this knowledge.

Hey I know, I am no prize either and have no right to be making fun of other people, but I have had a vagina for a face all my life too and no one ever made me famous for it...I need to get in contact with his PR people, bet they could convince the world that my vagina face is hot, then I can be on a movie and make millions!

Dude, I miss you like crazy and I really wish we could of laughed at these movies together...it would of been a hooot!

Ciao for now Brown Cow!

Love, Vagina-Face-Trish-inator (coming to a theater near you)

PS: No Robert Pattinson's were harmed during the making of this blog entry! I sent him some candy in the mail, just in case!

PPS: DISCLAIMER: (just in case)  As far as I know, Robert Pattinson is NOT a Troll Doll, and he does NOT have The Down Syndrome.
It is in this Blogger's opinion (that's me) that he looks and acts like he has an extra chromosome or two. This is probably not the case though and since I am not a Doctor, I therefore cannot give you my professional opinion or diagnosis.  This is just my personal opinion and diagnosis, and in no way does this reflect my actual opinion (except that it does, but not in a court of law)!!!

PPPS: Yes, I know this is a mean post but it's also the truth about how I feel...and you know how like if you are black then you are allowed to make fun of other black people and use the 'n' word? Yeah, well, just like Robert Pattinson, I too have a Vagina face which gives me full rights to make fun of other Vagina faces!!!! So it's ok to break his non existent balls...is what I am saying (cause I too don't have any balls...are you seeing the trend yet? we have so much in common, it's like I am making fun of myself see?)  (JSV) STOP YELLING AT ME!

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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