How To Successfully Stalk Like A Pro, Without Being Creepy, in 10 Easy Steps.

Hey everybody!
OK, so I have been hounded with questions on how is it that I am so Awesome and how is it that I successfully stalk people without being creepy.

These are REAL questions from Real imaginary people in my head!

Let me answer the voices now...

On my Awesomeness; I was born with two extra ‘Awesome’ Chromosomes, only it didn’t give me just any type of Awesomeness, it gave me The Downs Syndrome type of Awesomeness with a side of extra Awesome.
What can I say, when every Doctor I went to said I was one in a million, I knew right then and there just how strong my particular brand of Awesome was.

Bipolar Diva proves my point by actually giving me an extra ‘W’ in this comment…

she knows true talent when she sees it

Now, on how to Stalk people without being creepy:

This is some highly coveted information but through trial and error, I have managed to devise a formula that works 100% of the time from the one person I have tried it out on…with odds like that you will be the best stalker on the Blogosphere in no time.

To show you what I mean, I will use the only example I have to prove my point throughout this ‘How To’ guide. I lucked out the other day when I found a blog written by Naked Cupcakes wait a sec…hold the phone, Cupcakes that are naked AND writing a funny blog??? But isn’t that a little pornographic? Yes it is! So of course, I took affirmative action …let the stalking begin.

There are lots of mistakes you can make as a rookie and nobody likes a one dimensional Stalker so let me give you some tips on how to become the best you can be in just 10 easy steps.

#1     Find A Victim.
Finding a victim is easy just search through blogs and pick the one you resonate the most with.

If you are also looking for someone to stalk you back,  you should be sure to filter carefully and pick someone who seems like their humor is a little off …people who swear a lot or use hilarious depictions of their Uterus as a Purse are perfect examples of a good candidate.

Just remember, Stalkers are like Vampires once you invite them into your house you can never un-invite them, choose wisely.

#2    Check Out Their About Me Section
Click on their profile image or visit their ‘About Me’ section to get their email Addy hassle free. At this stage, also note their favourite movies, songs, or books so you can seem like you have something in common with them later on.

If you can’t find either of these two Stalker Gems, it could be a little trickier to hunt down their information and only experienced Stalkers should proceed. Email me and I can give you more information on this.

#3    Notify Them Of Your Intention
Upon first contact, Introduce yourself and/or notify your potential Victim in writing about your intent to stalk them. This will seem funny to the Victim and more than likely they will not take you to be serious.  This guarantee's your profile will be checked out as you will be labeled 'Quirky' instead of 'Creepy'. 

Remember; If you are Funny, Quirky, or Silly, then people won’t peg you as a Professional Stalker and this makes getting your foot in their virtual cyber door, much easier.

#4    Reassure Them
In the first paragraph of your email, be sure to tell them ‘not to worry’ this always makes people trust you easier. Follow that up with a naughty reference to something shocking or use humor that is similar to the style used in their blog. Be sure to use vulgar language but only if they already use it on their site.

This will ‘hook’ your potential Soul Stalkee and make them need to read more of your email. Also, convincing them that you are not trying to sell them anything seems to work well.

#5    Compliment Them
Now that you have ‘hooked’ their attention, give them a sincere complement and follow that complement with what you actually do when you read their blog but because what you do when you read it is probably creepy, make it seem like it’s a joke.

When I emailed Naked Cupcake,  I really did 'gnaw on my own funny bone until a chunk fell off and then I whittled that chunk into a toothpick to clear away year old teeth debris and the occasional pube'

Of course I did that, but I made her believe that I was joking and I ‘snagged me a Marlin’ with that joke! (If you were a perceptive stalker, you would have just noticed that I used an Austin Powers movie reference which leads us to my next point).

#6    Use Movie Catch Phrases
Always make a reference to a well known movie saying (preferably one of their favourite movies. If you are unsure of a quote from a movie they love, you can always google it to make it look like you love that movie too).

Repeating movie catch phrases says that you are normal cause you know pop culture and if you watch movies then you must be a good person. ***Interesting fact: the more a person uses movie references/titles on their site to get their point across, the higher percentage of them being a wonderful Reciprocal Stalker***

#7    Use Hidden Messages
At this point, change the colour of your lettering to white (or appropriate colour to blend in with the back ground of your email) and include a clause that basically says 'upon responding to this email, in any way, including to say 'stop emailing me', you are hereby agreeing to have me (your name here) Stalk you.  Thank you for your patronage and for choosing (your name here) to be your own personal Professional Stalker.'

#8    An Invitation To Stalk
Change your font colour back to black (or default colour) and invite them to stalk you back. This always makes them laugh and feel safe cause real stalkers would never do that…or would they?

#9    Serious Stalkers Only
Make sure to tell your potential Reciprocal Stalker that you only want the best of the best;  only the ‘Top Gun’ Stalkers should apply.

In your email to them, go into a detailed explanation of what you are looking for so that your guidelines are clear.  After all, being open and honest is the key to any good relationship!

Be warned though, by giving them your information, and inviting them to stalk you, this makes their job a lot easier as they can by-pass stalker steps 1, 2, 8 and sometimes 3. Thus, making it more likely that you will attract some Lazy Spam Stalkers and not a genuine professional such as you deserve.

#9 1/2    Confirmation
Reconfirm your intention to stalk them for the rest of their life. This ensures that they know if they respond back to you, there is no getting rid of you.

This is the equivalent to a legal binding contract in the court of law as you were so obviously clear with your intent. After all, it isn’t your fault the fine print happened to be the same colour as the screen!

#10    Filtering Stalkers
Be sure to add only one piece of your personal stalking information for them (IE only your website). This helps you filter through real Stalkers and Spam Stalkers.

Any ‘Top Gun’ Stalker will be able to get all the rest of your details like your phone number, home mailing address, eye colour, bra size and what colour poo you had this morning, all by themselves.

That’s it, you are done! You will now be considered their ‘friend’ and in no way will this come off as a creepy stalker type of email.

People will think that you are a comic genius, which is the best way to disarm your future Stalkee(s).

Now, if you have done your email properly, it will read something like this:
Right click pictures to enlarge and open in a new tab

Upon sending it to your victim, you can expect this kind of response within 2-4 business days:

Here is a break down of the email, my response to what Naked Cupcakes wrote will be in Red Italics...unless you are colour blind, then it will be in Black Italics:

‘This might be the best e-mail I've ever received.’
(This stalker is good! Here she is very masterly in her reply as she shows me, all at the same time, that I have successfully disarmed her, she accepts my proposal and she is using stalker rule #5 !)

“I'm totally going to respond to it appropriately. My shoulder is jacked, and I'm on some pain meds.”
(You know you are truly successful in your Stalking endeavours when even pain meds and a bad shoulder can’t stop your ‘Stalkee’ from responding back to you…also, notice indirectly how she is still using rule #5 here)

“That being said, your e-mail could be a hallucination. But, if it is, I'm a brilliantly hilarious hallucinator.”
(Wow! Again, nothing but skill here, this is the perfect Triple Axle of rules #3, #4 and #5 …well done!)
Note: be wary of Reciprocal Stalkers who only use, #5.  Although your ego will appreciate it, this can be a Stalker of the lazy kind and that’s not what your looking for in a ‘Top Gun’ Stalker.)

“I am a stalker of the first order.”
(here she assures you of her worthiness and Stalker competency which is very comforting )
“I leave comments longer than my forearm sometimes.”
(she is basically telling you that she will stalk you from the bottom of her heart and she is agreeing to your initial demands that your stalker must be talkative)
“I'm surprised I haven't scared more people.”
(brilliant use of #7 you can’t see it, but trust me it’s there and #9 1/2…this entire paragraph is very well done.)

“You had me at "labia," "
(#2, #6 she got my Jerry McGuire reference and tossed it back at me this shows she could be my Stalker Soul mate by taking an active interest in my movie references)
“and we got married at "labia trimmer." We renewed our vows at "free” “
(wow, this just screams Stalker Love with this incredible Trifecta of #3, #4 and #5 this is truly a winning combination that Naked Cupcakes has perfected!)
“Plus, you're all naked and writey, and your site has "womb" in it, which is awesome”
(pointing out the obvious awesomeness of  someone is a great way to seal the deal and works ‘all of the time, 60% of the time.’)

Excellent! So Upon review, Naked Cupcakes has shown she is a Stalker that really cares.

She masterfully and unknowingly (or so we think) used Stalker Tips #’s 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 9 1/2.

This is a most excellent naturally gifted Reciprocal Stalker, a perfect match. I’m going to go ahead and celebrate now that I have found my Stalker Soul Twin!

If you found this article helpful in capturing your perfect mate, send me a shout out and tell me all about it, then we can be BFFSS (Best Friends Forever Stalker Style).

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

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