#1 Dear Duane… I am Getting Older Can I Put My Mail Order Husband On Layaway?

Dude!
(Speaking in a high falsetto Jerry Seinfeld voice JSV for short)
What’s the deeeal with getting older? ~end of JSV

I totally hit rock bottom last night as I convinced myself that at 31, I am an old maid who needs to get married pronto!

So I totally went online searching for a Mail Order Husband…and not for a joke or blog material either…I was for real real serious dude.

(Speaking the JSV) And what’s the deeeal with them calling it a ‘Mail Order Husband’ why not use the obvious catchy pun and call it 'MALE Order Husband'????! (~end of JSV )

Fucking douches!

OK, so first off, there’s only like two fucking sites that actually have Mail Order Husbands, and let me tell you, the options on either of them were highly unappealing…like I would rather swim in sewer sludge run off while watching The Flintstones, squeaking some Styrofoam in my teeth and gagging on plain wilty Celery stick strings while listening to cheesy Country Pop Music that’s being microwaved into my brain at super nuke power… I think that we can both agree on the magnitude of how much I would hate all of the above things! So, there's that.

I hop on this one site and take the extensive 18 question survey so they can use an AlGoreRhythm ( I should of known right there cause Al Gore ain't got no rhythm he ain't got no alibi he ugly *clapclap clapclap* he ugly *clapclap clapclap*…that’s my shitty version of a high school cheer now you know why i wasn’t a cheerleader, and NO!! It had nothing to do with my enormous ass…~JSV~STOP YELLING AT ME!!! end of JSV ;o))

Oh, so ya they used the AlGoreRhythm to determine who the best candidate would be for me to marry and you know who I best matched?

This fucking guy:

His name is Hans and he is a ‘German sailor seeking his Mermaid’ and he’s also ‘not shy about his body’  this isn’t a joke see, it’s a snap shot right off the fucking site itself!

Click on pic to see more better details

Now, maybe he's a nice guy but I sure as shit ain't a Mermaid and considering boats make me projectile vomit so hard it's like a "lazer" (Austin Powers style biatch) that is so powerful it can cut through Shark Meat...I don't think we would be such a great match.

After much deliberation and laughing, I decided to look at my other options on mailorderhusbands.net and low and behold, I found these keepers which are my top picks:

Andrew is from South Dakota and describes himself as a "23 year old balding man who is in a hurry to find love"
His vampire teeth are what caught my eye cause I want my own Edward Cullen dammit! The fact that his head just refuses to fit in this picture is also a bonus. Sega game character Bonk would be seriously challenged by this noggin.

Buzet is from Romania and is looking for a 'big girl from America who drives a Camarro, has a job and can dress my wounds"
His features are so similar to the count from Sesame Street that I get a little gooey inside. I bet you didn't know this about me, but I always had a thing for 'Count Chocula'....one orgasm! ha ha ha ha! Two orgasms! Ha ha ha! What can I say, I love me some accountants!

*Editor's note (that's me, I am the Editor)...It has been pointed out to me by 'Woman Confused' that this man actually resembles Pee Wee Herman, not so much The Count from Sesame Street. OK, I tried to sneak one past you, but how can I not love Pee Wee? We are totally soul mates and of course I have been in love with him since I was like 8! Let's run it down: Um he had his own play house with talking everythings, he too likes cartoons, he totally loves having big adventures with his big red bicycle, he was like in Buffy which revolutionized the way I like talked for at least 5 years and he likes to masturbate in public areas just like me (only people don't mind when I do that *shrugs*)!! Wonder twins unite! Form of PeeWee Trish...I LOVE PEEWEE Herman! He's a comic genius with the giant underware on his head routine, connect the dots, la la la (how did he come up with that stuff?) (nuff said). I have even 'friended' him on Twitter a few months ago, I am such a nerd, but he never really has anything interesting to say, but then neither do I...Maybe I should rethink my final decision and pay full price for this gem after all! What do you think dude?

Steven from New Mexico likes to relax with "a couple hits of ether".  He prefers a "woman that has insurance and a car" as he needs to occasionally go to "Mexico to pick up "souvenirs".
With his Charles Mason-ish bad boy, I don't care cause I am too fucking high to give a shit looks, how can a girl like me resist?

Marcus from Southern Idaho says to 'trust him, drinking paint thinner is a bad idea' He also "knows a few magic tricks"

I have always had a thing for Rip Van Winkle ...dirty sexy! Dirty hot!

Bertram is from my neck of the woods; Canada. He claims to be "A trouble maker" a modern day "Clyde seeking his Bonnie to be partners in crime"
He recently "got booted off Match.com for cyber stalking" but he is all better now.
I love a persistent man and what takes more persistence than stalking?


The best part is, this particular site has the ‘layaway’ option so for my broke ass, that’s truly a bonus.

Dude, aren’t you impressed with my keen eye for awesomeness? I know, I can hear you now laughing with me and not at me…pathetic attempts at love, that is what the fear of getting older tends to bring! Hey, remember 7 years ago, when we were shopping in that cool store that sells all the awesome Hallowe'en outfits and lava lamps and you said to mark your words that if I was still single in my late 20's or early 30's that I wouldn't be so picky, I would be pathetic and trying to nest down with anything that even looked my way? Cause it's a genetic anomaly that all women have to lower their standards the older they get??? Well, I am 'marking your words' now.

It seems for you men out there, you get your pick of the litter for finding  hot, young,  European or Asian brides, she’s  just a click away for you.
But for us desperate totally fulfilled women here, we get to literally pick THROUGH the litter and hope to find a clump that’s only a fur ball and not a greasy cat turd! Oh the agony! Seriously, and you have to pay for the privilege of boning one of these luscious man bear pigs??? Great Scott! What is this world coming to?

I had to think long and hard (that's what she said) about my decision but based on my monetary difficulties, I decided to go with this 'sale item'.

 Meet Fuad from San Bernardino, USA.  Faud has "been here for about 2 years." Apparently the company has already lowered his price two times. He says he's "a red-hot special, come and get me."

Something about the look in his eye and the price tag that's slashed in half makes me wanna keep him! So back off, he's all mine...the others are for the taking! Plus, it looks like he's saying that he will love me long time ahsooo!

Awesome Blossom Biatch, hope you like your diary entry!
Love Trish Nugget-itis

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingevitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this  'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.
For more information go here to Dear Duane page

Enjoy the read everyone!


~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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