Birthday Blog Bloodbath (say that 3 times fast I dare you!)

Today is my birthday and the universe made sure that I took notice by rubbing my nose in the fact that I am getting older, every which way I turned.

Click on any picture to enlarge.

That's not a very nice sign, Universe!

Um, ok...throw it in my face why don't you?

Fatty McFatfat is getting older and plumper, I get it!

Hey now!  No one is supposed to know that!

?

Yep, I actually saw 32 coming down the road to meet me and they didn't look friendly at all!

Oh no! When 32 meets 31, it's on...they are ready to rumble.

OH 32 is a dangerous, vicious age...31 stands no chance against these Barbaric Birthday numbers

Aghh! In a matter of moments, 31 is reduced to mangled roadkill...and 32 carries on to their birthday party as planned, right on schedule

Mangled and broken, age 31 must make it's own way to the funeral home

Poor little 31

Age 31 you will be missed, you sure were a fun year to hang with

I will be sending my 32 to Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Boot camp...so when it comes time to rumble next year with 33, 32 will win and live forever!

MUAAHHHAAAHHAAA 

*evil laugh CD disc 1 track 3*

No one sent me a card this year or maybe they did but I won't find out for 6-8 weeks because of the uber efficient *italics = sarcasm*  postal services offered here in Asia...so instead of getting bummed out, I decided to create a card for myself and share it with you guys.

 

 

Want to buy me a birthday drink / present but can't make the trip to Thailand? Send me a drink / present  via paypal :o) Click HERE

Want to send me a present but have no money to do so? Then vote for me as best humour blog or freakiest blogger on the Internet click HERE 

Regular postings will resume after summer is over...miss you guys and thanks for the wonderful emails I have received over the last month! You guys are too funny! Can't wait to fill you in with all the details of my summer vacation xo

Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

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Is This Too Much To Ask For?

To look to the very depths of me and ask myself 'what do I want?' is a little difficult for me to do. I know all about what I don't like and don't want but what I want in a relationship? I haven't defined it yet...so, I guess it's about time that I try. This is an online dating ad I am working on but it is turning into an EPIC NOVEL as I figure it out. In advance, thank you for your patience while i try to figure this out :o) Happy reading!

I want to be open and honest with someone, become best friends first and see where that takes us. I want the freedom to be myself just as I am and I want to give you that same respect, never trying to change a single thing about each other cause that's what makes us who we are…never morphing into someone else's projections of who they think we should be.

I want a friend who is strong in spirit, secure within themselves, comfortable with who they are and confident in their individuality, who won't compromise or settle for less...who knows what they like and don't like and who loves themselves completely just as they are.

I want a fun, reasonably energetic partner who loves equally to do outdoorsy things as well as surf the couch and quietly read or write/create. Lately,  I have been quite complacent and lazy in life, which is uncharacteristic of me and I feel infinitely bored...it would be nice to have a supportive /enthusiastic person to knock some life and ambition back into me.

I like to listen to music here and there, but not retardedly loud. I never listen to music while driving. I am quite uncomfortable in loud, big places while they pack in people like sardines...crowds of people are not my forte.

As an introverted extrovert, (yes the duality is not lost on me) I enjoy peace and quiet, long bubble baths with candles, reading a nice book curled up on a lounge chair for a day or even a weekend, I love to write and get all these thoughts out of my head...it's like medicine for my monkey mind…I enjoy meditating and yoga with or without a partner, yet the extroverted side of me wants to play a lot, go biking, hiking, rollerblading, swimming, frolicking about like a child, laughing at silly things like pee and poo jokes, dancing in storms and feeling the rain's uniqueness, touch upon my skin, (this is the longest run on sentence in the history of run on sentences, but I digress) I love playing pool, cribbage, texas hold em poker, I like finger-painting, walking in cemeteries to enable me to appreciate the smallest of moments as it helps me to remember where I too will end up eventually.  I like to feel the hot sun on my body as I lay in the sand, I like to speak my mind even if it's not 'politically correct'...hey my truth is my truth and it's all ok!

I can be loud and jokingly obnoxious at times. I love to talk and really enjoy having a partner who is as good a listener as they are a talker.
I like to eat food and don't hide that fact. I am not a slim girl (never have been) but I am voluptuous and curvy in all the places that make me happy....I love myself just as i am ( most days) and am looking for someone who can love me just as I am.

I am a one person type of girl that enjoys being adored and cherished. I really dislike pedestals and prefer not to be put upon one as the fall might hurt me :o) I am looking for a partner where we can be equal....I would rather not subscribe to boxes with tightly shut lids, I like to keep it open. I am not into threesomes, or group things, I don't like to share my partner sexually with anyone else but I am not possessive and you are free as a human to express yourself in ways that make you happy and fulfilled, honesty is important to me so if you are all about lots of partners, and notches on your bed posts, I am happy for you and wish you lots of pleasure but please don't respond to this ad! I am just trolling for one person who is looking for only one person...that's how I roll baby! ;o)

I am not interested in what's become the typical western style relationship, full of dramas, baggage and negativity...I will only surround myself with positive, empowering people who support and nurture my hopes and dreams unconditionally ( so I don't have a lot of friends, cause it is very difficult to find real people who are genuine but the ones i do have are keepers).

I will never cheat on you, ignore you, intentionally hurt you...I just want to love you if you are the right person for me. As I said, I am a hopeful romantic and I have been ignoring the fact that this is what I long for, this is what I crave well, today I put an end to that and will honour this love I long to find.

I love dogs more than cats and I frequently live vicariously through other peoples animals...this way I don't have the responsibility of taking care of them.

I don't like to shop and especially dislike grocery shopping....the most redundant / boring task on the planet!

I like to do all things sporadically and rarely stick with any one activity for an extended period of time...some would say I am a dabbler, jack of all trades, master of none. I am consistently inconsistent so it is tough to say what i like or don't like cause it really depends on my mood...the only thing I am consistent in is writing.

I am a super passionate woman in everything I do and I am looking for a super passionate partner. A seeker of truth, a HOPEFUL ROMANTIC....yes, my heart has been broken before but its healed nicely…and I have faith that the right person will reveal themselves to me (not like that dirty bird) when the time is right.

I am independent and perfectly happy to be alone, in fact I really enjoy having a couple of days just for me even when I am with someone. I have mastered the art of sarcasm and I really love to make others laugh, see them happy.

I rarely drink but if I do, it might be a beer or 3 on my birthday or Halloween; my absolute favourite day, where I still can get dressed up in a costume and go trick or treating! Free candy and fun yay! I am still a big kid I often oscillate wildly back and forth between serious adult me filled with wonder and questions and big kid me filled with wonder and questions... I really love to watch cartoons and peruse the isles of toy stores to see what cool stuff is out there now.

I love gifts that are unique or thoughtful and I take great pride in giving those kinds of gifts too...it could be a poem I wrote just for you, or a song, or something you mentioned a year ago, in passing, that you 'had to have'...I have a very sharp memory and rarely forget anything.

I absolutely love to kiss and cuddle and hug! I really enjoy being touched by my partner even if there is no reason for it...just to let me know you are there!
I enjoy someone who also likes cuddling and public displays of affection.

I don't care if you are rich or poor, I am not into brand names /labels...I don't care if you have the finest cars, toys in the world....that is irrelevant and won't help to win over my heart. In my former life, I used to only fixate on the materialistic side of life but after getting everything I wanted and still feeling dissatisfied and even more miserable, I had to kick those habits and fetishes (shoes) out the door...the simple life makes me happy.

I would love to own a little cozy cabin on a quiet piece of land some day (somewhere off the beaten path)...even if I somehow came into tonnes of money, I would still only want a tiny little home...they make me feel safe and happy.

I don't have any vices....don't do drugs, don't gamble, don't smoke and I don't collect anything but wisdom from the experiences I have had...although I can be quite a pack rat for memories and this is one thing I am trying to work on at the present moment...letting go.

I like to play my classical guitar from time to time but I am only mediocre at it and that's ok as I don't really want to put in a huge effort to get really good at it :o)

I love discovering all the new technology that's out there, it has always fascinated me and I can be found doing endless hours of research on things that I will never buy just because it's fun to know the evolution of things.

I am all about evolution as a person...constantly striving to grow upwards, hopefully not outwards ;o) I love learning about myself and others, I love to teach others and share with them, inspire them, uplift them and help them learn things they never even knew about themselves before.
I am a realistic person and swim in the sea of reality delicately and consciously.

I used to be 'one of the guys' and I really identified with that personality in my life, but lately I have been developing and growing my feminine side, really opening my heart and proudly being a softer kind of lady!

I am old fashioned and enjoy for my partner to be similar...I like it when someone holds the door for me, or gives me flowers for no reason, or leaves me little notes in secret places or makes me breakfast in bed.....and I really like to do those things for my partner too...it's a reciprocal thing for me...the more I give, the more I want to give and I love to make the one I love feel special, loved, appreciated...every single day!

I am mostly positive and upbeat although when I investigate the inner workings of myself I can spiral downwards for a time until I understand my reactions fully and am able to move ahead from there. When I stagnate in life or learning, I feel suffocated.

The sound of a screaming baby is one of the most irritating sounds on this planet, as is someone chewing their food / gum as if a grazing cow. I am very conscious of how my sounds, my footprints, my energy effects other people and I try not to disturb others with my presence, am very respectful of their space and boundaries.

If you are still reading this, congratulations...are you tired, do you need a little nappy now? ;o) Please only respond to this if this strikes a chord with you, if it sounds like you wrote it... if you were reading it and it was your deepest desires as well then great, email me and tell me all kinds of tid bits about you...I really want to know what makes you passionate in life.

I know it's a huge list of things that i am looking for but I am already living the life of my dreams just by asking for it so why not ask for what I want in a partner as well? I am sure now that I have put it out there that the universe will supply to me something even better than what I was looking for.

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Dear Duane…Thailand Is The Tits! *UPDATED*

 *My computer crashed last night so I wasn't able to post this blog in its entirety...here is the full blog with added pics for your viewing pleasure ;o)*

Dude!

I have totally neglected to tell you all about Thailand and what’s been going on here....also this really cool site called Blog-trotting has chosen to feature my blog on their site and they want to know a little about what life is like in Thailand. Blog-Trotting features various blogs from all over the world to see what life is like in that neck of the woods...also you get to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side (usually it is). I  love this blog, there's never a dull moment on it that's for sure... check it out here www.blog-trotting.com/ 

I took this picture outside my bungalow last year...breathtaking isn't it? 

I think you already know that I came to Thailand in 2009 for that 6 month yoga teacher training course…it was awesome! I graduated and got certified like I had planned and I learned so much from the school.

There are so many amazing yoga schools, mediation centers, Buddhist monasteries, temples and incredible detox programs on this island...it's a very spiritual place. Really, this island has a perfect blend of Yin and Yang as one side of the island is home to the famous Full moon parties where people from all over the world come to party like rock stars each month for three full days and nights during the full moon on the beaches of Haad Rin (about 10 kms from where I currently live) and on the other side of the island, where I am living...nothing but healthy, quiet living filled with Reiki treatments, herbal Saunas, rebirthing sessions, crystal bowl healing's, and alternative lifestyle work shops...the best of both worlds only 15 km's apart. So I can party hard on the weekend and detox it all away on Monday ;o)

Yoga class on the island

Me doing a yoga pose at a secret waterfall (there hasn't been much rain so it's not as 'waterfally' as it should be.

I did go back home to Vancouver Island for a few months but couldn’t get back into the ‘Western’ way of life…didn’t re-open my yoga studios or even want to be bothered with that part of my life anymore…so in December I had no choice but to move to this amazing tropical paradise that I fell in love with…I don’t know when I will be returning home. Frankly, it’s difficult to imagine ever returning home.

A Buddha statue in a temple

Jade  Buddha in Chaing Mai

Me in front of a temple in Chaing Mai

King's Birthday celebrations

The scene outside the temple doors

Golden Buddha

Buddha Statue on Koh Tao

See, life in Thailand is a thing of beauty and ease...’Sabai, Sabai’ the locals always say (meaning something similar to take it easy, relax). ‘Sabai sabai is always followed with the English phrase ‘slowly slowly...I don’t know why Thai people have to repeat all of their phrases but it works! I guess the repetition is finally sinking in…cause little by little, I am learning to live ‘slowly slowly’. 

Me meditating at monastery on Koh Phangan 

Swinging away on Coconut Beach, one of the many beautiful beaches to chill out on here.

Days of relaxing in my hammock staring out into the jungle where I live, is what I call a ‘productive day’ for me now and I feel happy to just ‘BE’ without doing much of anything…just breathing is enough and witnessing and being in wonder of the beauty that I am surrounded by ever single day.

Elephant Trek a few miles from my house

This place looks like something out of that movie 'The Beach' and rightfully so, seeing as that movie was filmed on an island not too far away called Koh Phi Phi (he he pee pee) which is equally as beautiful as Koh Phangan but not as developed...like if Koh Phangan were a woman she would be a double D cup and Koh Phi Phi would be like a an A cup (developmentally speaking) which is nice if you want to escape and not have to deal with construction (Jerry Seinfeld voice; and what's the deal with me using boob size as a way to describe the development of an island?? Who are these islands??? end of JSV)

Fragrant pink Hibiscus blossoms, azure skies and picture perfect panoramic views of the teal blue Ocean, delight my senses on this little slab of paradise that I get to relax on. 

The most perfect Hibiscus flower right outside the yoga hall

This idyllic, intimate, island of Koh Phangan, which is located 800 km's south of Bangkok, constantly encourages me to escape my everyday cares with its lush scenic tropical beauty, perfect white sandy beaches and amazing weather…you know how I hate the cold? Yeah, that is NEVER a problem here…way to escape 2 Canadian winters now…I feel like I have cheated on winter only it doesn't even know…Ha Ha…I am so very very sneaky!

My favourite beach 'Pirate Beach' 5 minutes from my house, nobody is ever there and perfect sand and water!

I didn’t come here for the yoga this time around. I came here for this amazing house I found deep in the jungle away from everyone and everything, so I could relax and realize my dreams of writing that book I was always trying to write back in Toronto.

My little secluded house in the jungle

I have been here 7 months now and I must confess, the book writing isn’t going so well. Granted, I have been writing a lot…for a magazine here and comedy sketches and of course, this blog…but I find to sit and go through the arduous process of writing a novel is not as much fun as I thought it would be. It isn't a romantic process at all and it is really frigging boring and also,   I am not motivated to do much of anything, except read the works of others who have undergone the arduous journey of writing a novel, snorkeling, swinging on the hammock, long lunches and dinners with awesome friends, jungle treks to hidden waterfalls, cartooning, long luxurious $6 Thai Massages, Yogi potlucks, sunbathing on those perfect (and never crowded) beaches, playing my classical guitar ( I am getting really good at it now) and of course, a little yoga and meditating to the songs of the jungle critters.

The funniest bathroom signs I have ever seen on a Visa run to Burma. Conch or Banana? I stood there for a moment dumbfounded and had to think about it for a while! (don't worry, I figured it out)

I have a freedom as I have never had before. I learned to ride a motorbike, I learned to dive, I learned how to make cartoons on my computer, how to boil an egg (finally), bare my soul and speak my truth to complete strangers (while looking them directly in the eye without flinching and never saying sorry for what I said) and I learned how to live a Tantric yogic lifestyle where there are no rules just to live and to find gratitude and love for each moment…to be fully alive, present and aware in all that I do.

This is how I learned to ride a motorbike...isn't that special? Also, wasn't it smart of me to take a picture BEFORE cleaning the wound?? I thought so too! 

Hundreds of Butterfly’s twitter away just to the right of me as I write this…it’s like I live in a Butterfly sanctuary or something and I tell you man, it’s amazing, like my very own magical wonderland and I am left wide eyed and teary with bliss and gratitude when I remember to stop and appreciate it.

I wish you could be here to experience it with me…even you, who burns in cloudy weather, would still LOVE it here!

It sounds corny, I know, but the truth is I have never been happier in my life as I am right now. I feel free to be me and experiment with healthy lifestyle choices…the ability to be ‘real’ and ‘authentic’ to be true to myself for once in my life and shed my 'Western' masks of who I 'should' be and what I 'should' do and how I 'should' behave...there's no need to pretend here and it's fucking awesome to have such freedom in your own skin.

Living here isn’t without it’s share of problems though…there is political unrest in Bangkok and has been for a while which is scary…a few months ago, it was full on and I really thought there might be a war, with all the blood shed and turmoil…but things have cooled off for the time being.

Hair loss is a big thing for me...my hair is down to my waist now but with all this heat, handfuls of it come out each day…it was like my body knew something wasn’t right…and I have been shedding like a dog…thank god I have a lot of it or I would be bald by now! Although now that it is summer here the situation seems to have cured itself.

Beware of ginormous hairy 'dust bunnies'  isn't that huge? That's like a week of not sweeping...for real real dude!

Seeing as I am living deep in the jungle, that means unwelcome guests into my house…Geckos, hungry mosquitoes, giant spiders that probably feed on small children, termites, ants, poisonous snakes, boa constrictors, huge lizards, and the worst…the  ‘gross’ giant cockroaches …remember how I couldn’t sleep for 2 days cause I saw that tiny little cockroach on the wall when we lived at that nasty ghetto apartment on Jane and Finch in Toronto? Yeah well, these ‘GIANT JUNGLE COCKROACHES' are bigger than my hand! It’s true!!! oh and did I mention that they fly? Yeah they totally do that too buddy! I totally get the heebie Jeebie's (yep I used that phrase...totally appropriate and the only way to describe the level of grossness I feel when I come into contact with them) ....YUCK...I don't know if i will ever get used to them!

My new Spider Man just outside my house eekkk!

Gecko's the size of Dinosaurs living in my kitchen, but when they hold 'hand's' they are too cute! Aww little love lizards!

Cute little Gecko that I don't mind having as a pet

Huge weird flying Beatles that seemingly have no purpose in life except to piss all over my towels that are drying and then fall to the ground on their backs and buzz annoyingly till they die!

2 or 3 times a year, 100's of millions of flying ants come out of the jungle  and get into everything...eww!  This leaves for a ridiculous clean up the next day as they all huddle together in the world's largest Orgy that I then have to sweep up and then wash the bug guts off my porch...oh Joy!

The worlds largest ant Orgy, on my porch, the morning after...each leaf looking thing is actually a flying ant! It takes some muscle to move all of those carcasses...

 

Creepiest turkey I have ever seen...nobody wants to eat this angry monster...not even you, oh lover of meat! He walks around like he has a serious case of 'The Downs'

The Bull vs Dog fights help keep the jungle life an entertaining one

The cutest spider I have ever seen...he lives in my bathroom. And yes, spiders are cute in comparison to gross cockroaches!

See, this is not cute! The first cockroach I ever saw...I named him George (he he inside joke) he is the smallest one I have ever seen here!

The Cockroaches freak me out so much! They only come out at night and they are always into everything in my kitchen...I just leave everything in the fridge but they somehow find a way in there too..GRRRR! Remember that movie Joe's Apartment? Yeah, this is worse than that and not for having a dirty place either...it's like these cockroaches are on steroids and can bench press 150lbs without breaking a sweat....(using a heavy Italian accent) now that's a cock-a-roch!!

But I must admit, having all these nasty Cockroaches running around in my kitchen is the best thing for dieting! I have lost a lot of weight recently as  I no longer go into my kitchen after 6pm…problem solved!  Say goodbye to late night snacking! Hello Nurse! lol Still they are so disgusting and make me so frigging angry…here’s a cartoon I drew to illustrate my cockroach anger!

When they startle me, I want to stab them

Better yet, it would be safer for me if I shot them...no risk of them crawling on me then *shudders

Me love you long time
Love Trish-Cock-Roach-Killer-itis...Te he he he I said...(highlighted)

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

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