Ummm, Is That Lavender Scented Compost? Nope, It's My New Organic Deodorant Stick!

Hello deodorant, It’s me Trish…I thought you needed to know that you really don’t do a very good job at keeping me dry or smelling good. WTF is up with that? I paid good money for your sorry “all natural”, lavender scented ass and this is how you repay me? With arm pits that feel like they have been licked by a St. Bernard??? Thanks a lot!

You're as useful as an coked out, anorexic super model at an all you can eat buffet…what a waste!

You cost double what I normally pay for deodorant and yet you do only half of the work…are you unionized or just plain lazy?

I am glad that you are ‘Paraben and Proplyene Glycol free’ but maybe you should reintroduce those things back into your diet, cause without them, you are as useless as a Twinkie that thinks it's a tampon!


I was especially enticed to buy you when I read that your formula was 'New and Improved' and now comes with ‘Aerobic Oxygen’…I assumed that would guarantee that you were a master of your craft, but you lied! You lied right to my face!

 If this was the Roman times, this would be treason and you would be ‘beheaded’ and I bet that would hurt a lot! So, if you wish to continue our relationship, then you’d better start to increase your productivity or I am sending you to Gillette’s Guillotine….Off with your head!

 This lazy attitude of yours has got to stop! So, pick up the pace asshole and do your job!

 You have 24 hours to comply with this message

Sincerely,
Trish

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>

Batman VS The Armpit Sniffer

A while back, I noticed that my left armpit smelled grosser different than my right armpit. It worried me cause I heard that if one pupil was bigger than the other, that could mean a brain tumor. So, naturally, I applied that logic to my situation.

One smelly fragrant armpit must be a tumor right? I was wondering what a doctor might say if I should show up at his office demanding him to smell my pitts.  Well, lucky for him, my right nostril was just blocked and in a few days, everything was back to normal with two smelly  aromatic armpits.

In June 2008, a man from Singapore was put in jail for 14 years for 'molesting' women by forcefully sniffing their armpits.  As further punishment, he got 18 whacks on the ass with a cane (as if 14 years in jail wasn't enough punishment).

I can see it now:

The perfect Villain, a little Asian man lurking in a dark alley ready to pounce at the first hint of armpit.  I am walking by, happily swinging my purse when, wham! said man jumps out and grabs me.  Oh no, is he going to steal my purse? Rape me? Nope, he lifts my arm and gets his freak on by taking a big whiff, then runs away laughing.

Relief that I was OK, would take a back seat to this all consuming question that would dance around in my head...

What the fuck???

How could you even take that seriously? Sure I would be dumbfounded for a while trying to process what had happened. And undoubtedly, I would wait around for a bit fully expecting to see Ashton Kutcher or Ed McMahon  poke their head out laughing. After a while, I guess I would just be on my way thinking where's Batman when you need him? Seriously this is a crime that only super hero's can handle appropriately.

I would probably laugh and shake my head at the weirdness of it all and also, be excited to go to work the next day, as this would be the greatest water cooler anecdote ever!

I am sure it would be a scary situation but only because I would of imagined the worst thing that could of happened. Would I go to the police? Sure, I would report it...not a 911 call for sure more of a relaxed hey, by the way, some dude grabbed me and smelled my armpit kind of call.
Does forcefully smelling pitts really warrant 14 years in prison though? That just seems excessive!

Apparently, Marvel bought the rights to this story and  I am anxiously awaiting the release of Batman vs The Armpit Sniffer.
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>